One Solitary Life

A friend sent this to me, I'd like to share it with you...

If you are of the Christian faith...you're about to experience something beautiful!

One Solitary Life was written by James Francis in 1926. In 248 words he captured the essence of how the life of Christ has made a powerful difference for over 2000 years.

Therefore, to celebrate His birth this Christmas season, just click here to watch this 3 minute movie. If you're inspired please forward this email to a friend. They will thank you!

Here's hoping that you and your family have a wonderful Christmas!

Well it getting close to Christmas. Once again I have mixed feelings. I'm excited to see my kids faces when they open their gifts...but I'm bummed because I will not be spending it with any of my extended family:( I won't go on about how much I hate that...cause really, I'm sure you can all understand my feelings and frustration!

Work is blah, blah, blah! I'm on call so I don't get scheduled shifts for the most part. I get called when someone calls in sick, or takes a day off, or whatever. I haven't worked in over two weeks! Frustrating? Yes, very much so! I guess I can be thankful though. J's been working ALOT of over time over the past two weeks, so that more than makes up for the $ in regards to what I'm not making. I've applied for a temporary part time position. So far I'm the only one who applied...if I don't get it...I think I may just lose my mind! There was a permanent full-time position available...but I didn't want it. Alot of people just don't understand why I don't want to work full time. It drives me nutts! I have a life! I don't need to work full time...nor do I want to! I'm not in it to make big bucks...I'm in it to occupy my time and for a bit of extra $ to pay some debt down. If I worked full time I'd work 2 on, 2 off, 2 on, 3 off, etc. With 12 hr shifts...I'd be going nutts. Now I know that other people do it, and thats fine. If I ever become a nurse, I know I'll have to do it too. But right now, I don't want to. I have NO family out here...so my kids would spend alot of time alone, and its just not worth it! Sure I have friends who could help me out...but really...I don't want that either. I'm happy with part time...I'm just not happy with nothing at all!!! Oh well...like I said, J's been working alot of OT, so I'm kind of glad that I'm not working because the kids wouldn't see either one of us if I was on days...and thats not good! If I don't get the PT position, then after Christmas break is over, I'm looking elsewhere. I mean this isn't a huge community...there aren't many options left for me in regards to doing something that somewhat relates to what I went to school for. Home Support is still an option. I did apply there, but they haven't hired anyone since June (my friend works there, thats how I know). So I dunno. I may apply again at the home that I quit at in Sept...but deep down I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'm finally feeling better, so I try to just keep that out of my mind for now. I seriously think that I had a nervous breakdown after those two jobs didn't work out for me. I mean they did work out...but I didn't work out at that point in time. I still think about it all...woulda, coulda, shoulda...but for the most part I feel much better. I'm not sure why it all happened the way that it did, and why I couldn't handle it...but obviously there was something deeper going on...something that I'm still not sure about, and may never figure out. I just know that I don't want to got "back there" ever again...it was one of the loneliest and horrible experiences of my life! I know most people don't "get it" and some may think that it was all drama and me just not wanting to work...well those people can just shove it! What I went through was real, and I hope that no one ever has to go through it as well. I know that it all started with a bad experience and then led to a full on pannick attack, followed by more and some very irrational uncontrollable thinking...at one point I was ready to go to the ER for some sort of sedative or something...but I didn't. After alot of sleeping and praying...I finally feel like I've come out of it. I just feel that I really need to move on...not just from that...but from here in general. I have gone through some of the most horrible things out here (things that many of you don't know about, and never will)...things that I will not mention...and ever corner that I turn seems to bring me back to something that I'd rather forget. I know...WHATEVER Tanya! For me though, its real, its my reality...and I'm the only one that can change it. I am better...but I just want a fresh start, a clean slate, a new beginning! I know I may sound like a drama queen...but its all true!

I think my whole family is ready for a new beginning. I don't know where we'll end up...as in my last post I said we'd like to go back to Saskatoon. That is a definite plan...but we've also discussed Victoria again as well. I know there are no guarantees that either will turn out...but both have the "things" we're looking for in one shape or another, and both have negatives as well. I'm just trying to not think about it too much until the Christmas season is over with.

I finally got my tree up yesterday...its so purdy. I feel a bit less "homesick" now that its up. I just hate taking it all down, not because I want to keep it up...but what fun is it to take it down? Its more like work to do that!

Well once again...not the happiest post...but this is where I'm at in this moment. I hope you're all doing well and are getting excited for Christmas and what it all has to bring. Just remember...JESUS IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON!

Some pictures of Saskatoon!

Here are a few pictures of the place I love so much but didn't realize until I had to leave for a few years. There is nothing like a good Hoar frost to make Saskatoon a winter wonderland. I didn't take these pictures but a friend of mine did...I just stole them from her Flickr site :) I'm really wishing that I could go home for christmas this year...but unfortunately we can't. We have only been "home" for christmas once since we moved out here. I think this time of year is especially hard for all of us...we will not be seeing any family this christmas...it makes it a very hard time of the year to get through. I honestly don't feel like christmas is even here yet and its just around the corner. Christmas is about love...the love of Jesus our Lord and Savior and the love of family...which thankfully is always there, even if the miles between us are many.

So so...

Well I don't know if I have much to say...nothing much exciting is going on in my life these days.

I worked my first shift last night on my own...it went well...pretty uneventful. The job is ok...all I can say for now is that its a job...its not really what I had hoped it to be...oh well. I'm not sure as to how much I'll be working, I would like to be working a bit more than I am, not sure what to do or think about that.

I think we've decided that its time to move home. We've flip flopped on living as far away as Ontario all the way to the island. I think that its time to go back home. There are so many things that I have not yet seen in BC...but I can always come back for a visit. I miss my family...I miss my friends. I miss so much of my former life out there. Sure we were struggling financially (thats why we made such a big move out here...just to get ahead) but I was much happier there. I love Saskatoon and the area that surrounds it. I don't think I can say one bad thing about it (although some would say its flat and has no mountains...I say there is beauty in that too...just in a different way). Some may say its small...but its not really...it has everything anyone would ever need. I always thought we wouldn't be able to move back because of house prices...but those seem to be coming down as of late. Plus anywhere else that I look in the country, house prices seem to be the same or more. I miss sunday dinner at my parents. I miss friday nights with our best friends! I miss the meewasin trail and toboganning on pest hill or Diefenbaker park! I miss the Bessborough hotel skating rink...oh how I love that place! More and more I've come to the realization that "home" is Saskatoon and it always will be. Now before people start thinking that we're moving...hold your horses. We're not...atleast not at this moment. J and I have just been talking and we both feel that we're being pulled to go back there. First and foremost we need to find jobs, mainly J as he is the main "breadwinner" lol! I think I could find one fairly fast so I'm not really worried about me. He on the other hand has a more specific job...so they aren't in as high demand as my line of work. We also need to get things done around here...we almost have the upstairs finished...and that is our main goal. We had hoped to replace our deck before winter came...but it didn't happen. There's just so much I miss about home. Its exciting for me to think that hopefully by summer I will be back there. Its just the waiting and finding "the job" and selling the house that has me nervous! I have enjoyed BC and will continue to enjoy it...but I know that it has not been the best for my "mental state"...especially the past two years. I'm tired of feeling down in the dumps more than I feel up in the air...know what I mean? It has nothing to do with people or "things"...its just where I'm at. I'm so tired of the constant grey skies and the rain and slush. I'd give anything for a good old snot freezing -30 sunny saskatchewan day! Seriously! (I told you there was something wrong with my mental state...haha). I've just realized that we had it pretty good...and we moved out here for a "time" and I feel that time is coming to an end. I need my family close by...I need my best friends back where I can see and touch and talk to them in person...I need my happiness back. So as I wait patiently for the day to come...I will sit back and enjoy the time I have left here. Who knows...it may be longer that I hope or plan on...but now that I know where we want to be...I can finally relax a little.

The Job

I got the job! Woo Hoo!!! I start on wednesday! I have no idea what to wear! My "boss" said not to wear anything that I don't want to ruin...so I think I may just be bringing my scrub tops with me to work...only because I'll be working with bleach alot...so I don't care if they get a little on them...I guess we'll see. I'm pretty excited to see where this job is going to take me...I guess time will tell. Thankyou to everyone who has been praying for me and supporting me over the past couple of months. I appreciate it more than I can say!

Today so far...

Well I had an interview today. Not for the job I applied for in my last post...that one I don't think I'll even get an interview for because its with the school district as a teacher's assistant and it goes by seniority...I've never ever applied before and there are alot of people that have worked casually over the years as teacher's assistants that would get first dibs before I would even be considered...oh well...tis life.

I was interviewed today as a support worker at our local women's shelter. I think the interview went quite well even though it was about an hour long! Very casual and laid back though for the most part. I think if I do get the job...it will be a very rewarding job even though I know it will be very emotional at times too. I think it will definitely be an eye opening experience thats for sure. I'm very thankful to have not had any abuse in my family or my relationships...I haven't seen "abuse" that much...but I can only imagine what one goes through...both men and women. I'll know by maybe tomorrow...or for sure by wednesday if I got it (wednesday because of tuesday being a holiday...so people are taking off monday as well). At first I'd be casual...but if I got on permanently then I would be able to take some more training for the job in Vancouver! So that would be nice...maybe this is the direction I should be going in as far as a career...we'll see. I think I'll enjoy it more than working in a home for the simple fact that I can talk with the women and be a listening ear/sounding board without the guilt of having to get to the next person asap like you do in a seniors home. While I was in school...we were told that in the seniors home...we are for the most part their family because alot of them don't have family near by, or none at all...but really, we never got the time to visit with them much...so many times I would have a resident wanting to just vent or wanting to just talk...and I couldn't because I had so many other things to do...it bothered me to tell them that I had to go when I knew that all they wanted to do was just visit for a while because they were lonely. I have to say that is one of the things I disliked the most about working there...just not having the time to actually "CARE". Sure I washed them up, changed them, made sure they were fed...that they had all their physical needs...but I couldn't be there for them emotionally and I hated that. So I'm thinking that this may be more my thing...I guess we'll see, I have to get the job first!

So now I wait...

Happy Birthday Sydney!!!

Well the time has come to celebrate my one and only daughter's birthday! She turns 11 years old today! How the time has flown by as if I've been standing still. I can remember being pregnant with her quite well. I remember the day before she was born...being at the Gynecologist because I had low amniotic fluid and was having an ultrasound and being asked "how does tomorrow sound" to be induced. I had her the next day...11 days early, but 8lbs 1oz!

I can't believe that she is now 11! I'm so proud of her. She's my pride and joy. Sure we have our moments of not getting along and butting heads...there seems to be more of that lately as she is maturing into a young woman, but I wouldn't trade any of it for anything in the world.

So Sydney...just know that mom and dad love you so much...your little brother even loves you a lot too! (remember he said that he was going to be nice to you on your birthday!) We wish you all the best! Have a great day!!!