Life as of lately...

Well...hmmm...whats been going on?

In January my husband applied for a job in Victoria. We went for a mini vacation to check the island out...I tell ya, one week is not enough. We all fell in love with the place...who wouldn't? Last week we found out that J didn't get the job...disappointed? Yes...of course! Ready to give up? Heck NO!!!

I have to say that over the past month, it was a wonderful feeling to have HOPE...to be happy with the thoughts of what could be. I did my best to not get those hopes up too much...and all in all, I think I was prepared for a "no" in regards to the job...but it still hurt and it still stung, I'd be lying if I said that it didn't.

I remembered while we were out there that I used to dream of living in a place like that. When I was a kid we went to Expo 86 in Vancouver. We took a little side trip to the island as well. I don't remember much about it except for Chemainus and walking on Long Beach in Tofino. What I do remember is how much I loved it and dreamed of living in that kind of setting once I was older. I used to write letters to my cousin planning our lives so we could live together in a house on the beach (yes, I little bit of a dreamer...but hey, I was young). While we were out there, I felt such a sense of peace. Not just because its beautiful, or because I was on vacation...no. I remembered my dream of living there. I had even wrote in my yearbook in Grade 12 about moving to BC once I was older. I did move here...but this wasn't the "BC" that I was talking about. I've flip flopped over the years as to where I'd like to be...but going out there...I felt an overwhelming peace. Standing on a beach in the cool wind, waves lapping at my feet, birds flying over head, watching my kids combing the beach and not wanting to leave...that was almost paradise to me. I remembered my "dream" while I was out there. I think as I grew older, got married, had kids...I just forgot about what I had hoped for my life. "Life" gets in the way. Now that I'm actually in BC...I realize how close I am to achieving what I had wanted for so long in my life, but just forgot about. Its not the beauty of the island that makes me want to be there...well I guess it helps...but where I live now is pretty beautiful too...just in a different way. I love being near the ocean...the feeling I get there is indescribable. I think if I lived near a beach...I'd be there everyday, just walking and taking it all in. I heard once that water means "life". I believe it...just like when we are baptized, the water signifies new life in Christ.

I've been talking with an amazing woman lately and she has made me see a few things more clearly. I stopped by her house last night to drop something off and ended up staying for about three hours...just pouring my heart out to her...she truly listened to what I had to say. She explained some things to me so clearly...she made me less afraid of some things that I had doubts on before. She also said something to me that no one else has ever said...she said, "Tanya, I do not believe that you are depressed...you are sad, no depressed, there is a difference". She nailed it! I've often felt like if I was truly depressed, why do I have happy days...with NO medication? If I was depressed, I wouldn't have had the feelings of hope and joy that I had over the past month while we waited to see if J had gotten the job or not. If I was truly depressed, I wouldn't have enjoyed my time on the island. I do have some really good days! I've always wondered myself if I was really depressed...I don't think that I am either...and not just because she says that I'm not. I believe her...she is an amazing woman of God and I truly believe that He gave her those words to tell me.

I've also realized that I don't know who I am...I've lost myself to some extent. I'm no longer a "full day" mother...I'm still a full time mother, but I don't have my kids all day as they are both in school all day. I'm not doing what I went to school for, but I am doing something that isn't "me"...and I hate it. I was an at home mom for ten years, now I'm at home, but my kids aren't. I don't know exactly who TANYA is! She asked me what I enjoy doing...just for me...I honestly had to think for a while. I used to love drawing, and I really enjoyed it. I didn't do it for others, but I did it for myself. Over the past couple of years I have started to get back into it...but not in the way that I had hoped. I usually sit there with a blank page and have absolutely no idea what to do, so I give up. This friend, she said that she felt that I needed to start drawing again, doing art again...she believes that I'll start finding myself again if I do this. I think she's right. I just need to remember that I need to do it for ME, not for anyone else. Not that I won't share it, or make something for someone, but it has to be for me first and then for someone else...you know what I mean?

So, although J didn't get the job...we're still hopeful that something will happen out there...its just going to take time. There will be days that I forget all of this and will be irrational (I'm NEVER irrational...lol), but I know that God has a plan. He knows that we don't want to be here, and like my sister said, if we don't want to be here, He won't keep us here forever...and I believe that to be true. I feel the winds of change slowly starting to churn...it may take a while for them to blow us to the next place...but until then, I will wait, as patiently as I can.

WARNING!!!

Well I watched a bit of "The Dr's" today and heard something pretty frightening. I guess kids are starting to drink and inhale hand sanitizer!!! They say that one little bottle, you know the purse size...well they are equivalent to four shots of vodka!!! Kids are even licking the stuff off of their hands to get the buzz. I wasn't able to watch the rest of the show which was all about the new drugs and how they come in flavors, etc. to appeal more and more to younger kids. I guess drug use is down in teens...which is good, but now they've decided to make them more appealing to them in order for that statistic to go up! Sick and scary. I'm thankful...sooooo thankful that my girl has her head screwed on pretty straight. I told her about this and she couldn't believe it!!! She's only 11, but we've started to talk about these things...I try not to hide too much from her...she needs to hear these things. She is a mature girl who I think will stand her ground as she gets older...atleast that is my hope and my prayer!

Well thats it for now...I'll post more about whats been happening around here another time.

Boredom!
USING ONLY ONE WORD! It's not as easy as you might think! It's really hard to only use one word answers.....



1.Your Cell phone? Black.

2. Your significant other? Sleeping.

3. Your hair? Blah.

4. Your mother? Sweet.

5. Your father? Funny.

6. Your favorite thing? Family.

7. Your dream last night? Unmemorable.

8. Your favorite drink? Chai.

9. Your dream/goal? Leave.

10. What room you are in? Basement.

11. Your hobby? Draw.

12. Your fear? Staying.

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Island.

14. Where were you last night? Bed.

15. Your heart? Thankful.

16. Muffins? mmmm.

17. Wish list item? Moving.

18. Where you grew up? Saskatoon.

19. Last thing you did? Sighed.

20. What are you wearing? Clothes.

21. Your TV? Off.

22. Your pets? Hairy.

23. Friends? Cherished.

24. Your life? Stagnant.

25. Your mood? Hopeful.

26. Missing someone? Always.

27. Car? Someday.

28. Something you're not wearing? Shoes.

29. Your favorite store? Many.

30. Your favorite color? Blue.

31. Your motto? Today.

32. Something you say all the time? Frig.

33. When is the last time you laughed? Tonight.

34. Last time you cried? Today.

35. Who will resend this? Whomever.

36. One place that I go to over and over? Past.

37. One person who emails me regularly? Lorie.

38. Favorite place to eat? Montana's.

39. Why you participated in this survey? Bored.

40. What are you doing tonight? Nothing.

I have so much to say and share...but for now I'm going to keep about 99% of it under wraps for a bit...I'll share when the time is right, but for now...

Me: Syd, look what the dog did to your underwear (the 'puppy', who is 8mths old has a thang for underwear and chewed the crotch...yes gross...out of my daughters underwear).

Syd: Oh my...Bailey!!!!!

Ro: Now you can stick your pee pee through it!

Syd: (has look of disbelief and utter shock with a smile)

Me: Uh, Ro, girls don't have 'pee pees'

Ro: What??????!!!!!!! How do you go pee then????? (more of shocked look than his sister)

Me: Well we have a 'pee pee' but it doesn't stick out like boys' do...thats what makes a boy a boy and a girl a girl (thats all THAT kid needs for details at this time)

Syd: (basically rolling on the floor laughing)

Then amongst Syd and myself's hysterical laughter we over hear Ro talking to us, or maybe to himself

Ro: Well mine sticks out...that sooo rocks!!!


Oh my...that kid! I had to phone my husband right away to tell him. I think it was the funniest thing that I've heard in a long time. Just so you know...I'm not too concerned about the "appropriate" names for things right now with my six year old...he'll know soon enough!!!

Just thought I'd share...I think its funnier than the bra story!

I think I'd need to do A LOT of haircuts...

I'm in the need for a new pair of haircutting shears (they are called shears, not scissors...not that it matters). So I googled "haircutting shears"...and the first website I went to had these fine pair. Ya...they're even on sale! For a great deal I might add...$1299! But you get free shipping, so whose complaining;)

Right now...

Hey. So here I sit...early sunday afternoon and I just went through the messages on our phone...turns out the stupid ringer has been turned off all weekend so I missed a few!! I was suppose to work yesterday (saturday) but called in on friday early evening to say that I couldn't. I had been dealing with a horrible "time of the month" all week...one of the worst on record...and especially bad since I haven't had it for six months!!!! I just wasn't feeling up to working all day, 12 hours on a saturday. I had had plans to get a bunch of stuff done during the week...but due to my six month visitor...I was basically housebound and living in the bathroom for a couple of days...FUN!!!! I am thankful though that I finally got it though...not for any particular reasons...I'm just glad when I get it cause it makes me feel normal!

So today while I was listening to my messages. My work called like three times after I had called them...one time was because they got me mixed up with someone else, the next telling me that they couldn't fill my shift and that I would HAVE to come in and the next saying that someone was able to cover it. I know that I shouldn't let it bother me...its a done deal, its over with, today is a new day...but it does bother me!!! I mean what if I was super duper sick or something and they couldn't find someone to cover my shift...they'd expect me to still come to work???? I tell ya, I dread my job...I absolutely hate the twelve hours. I know I shouldn't complain...I should be thankful that I do have a job...but really. I've never called in sick before or not worked my shifts...and yet when I don't come in for the first time ever...they expect me to anyways, no matter how I feel!!! It just frustrates me to no end! I'm glad that someone covered my shift...cause had I not called them back because the ringer was shut off...that would have looked really bad!!! I don't mind the twelve hour night shift so much...but a day shift...on a saturday...that is my entire day...gone!!! I know, I need to do my part as well...I'm just saying that I don't love it...thats all.

On to better news...finally! We are taking a trip (which I have yet to inform my boss of...oops!). This friday we're heading to Vancouver Island! We're taking the Ferry overnight and will be there on saturday! I cannot wait! I'm excited and nervous all at the same time! Jason and the kids have never been to the island and I haven't been there since I went to Expo 86...so really, I don't remember much about it at all. We're planning on being there for a few days...no agenda. We're just going to fly by the seat of our pants and do whatever we feel like doing. Of course we'll take in a few "attractions"...maybe do a bit of shopping...but really not much if I can help it. I just want to "see" the island...to explore as much as I can. I'm sure summer is the best time to go...but we need to get away from here for a while. We haven't left this area since July...that is too long to not go anywhere for me!! We are also hoping to make a few "connections" as far as a job for Jason goes...so you can pray for that if you feel led to do so. The kids are excited too. I'm just hoping that we don't all end up sea sick...but I will have lots of Gravol in hand...just in case.

I have a class tomorrow in regards to work, then I work on tuesday and thursday night (yes...I won't have much sleep on friday) so wednesday is basically my only day to do most of the packing and such.

Well thats about it...I hope you're all well!

Life...

Well Christmas was pretty good. We got our kids a Wii as their "main" gift. I had full intentions of not going overboard with "things"...but I did. In some ways I regret it...but there's always next year to hold back a little or a lot depending on things.

I missed spending time with family...thats what is so hard about Christmas. Its time for family and when you don't have any around...it gets to be quite lonely. Thankfully we have eachother (the four of us).

We've recieved a ton of snow in the past week and a bit. Its been quite nice.

I'm not lovin my job. I'm realizing that I hate the day shift and twelve hour shifts really mess me up. Its been really slow lately. At one point there were no women in the house at all. I worked christmas day night and there was only one lady staying there. I don't mind the night shift...I can do my own thing and watch TV if I choose to. I have some work to do...but not a lot! The day shift I find harder, especially if there is no one in the house and no other staff around. I worked the other day and read 300 pages of a 400 page book. I came home and finished the book! Crazy! Ya, its easy money...but its boring. I feel for these women...but I don't know what to say to them. I find it frustrating when you here that they get themselves into the same situations time and time again...over and over. I know its a cycle...and I know its hard to get out of abusive situations. Its just not what I thought it would be...my heart is not in it unfortunately. I'm also not working that much anyways. I'm finding being on call very difficult. If I'm asked to take a shift for a day down the road, no problem...but getting asked to take a shift the next day I really can't stand. I've applied for a part time position...but we'll see what happens. If I don't get it, then I may just reapply at the seniors place out here. Ya, I'm still on call, but they're eight hour shifts and they usually ask you in advance and give you a "set" of shifts. Who knows if they'll even have me back. I had gone and asked them for my job back before I got my current job and they said no...not at that time. They wanted to see me prove my commitment either through another job or by volunteering. Well I have another job now...so we'll see. I dunno.

There's a lot on my mind these days...so much that I'd love to share, but know that I can't. There would be too much judgement and opinions thrown my way that I'd want to run and hide. Just something else that I need to get through without the whole world knowing.

Well once again...an upbeat post! haha!

I hope you all have a wonderful 2009!