So.......

Well...I think I have finally figured out a few things in my life. I think I may almost feel at peace about it too...which is a wonderful, wonderful feeling!!!

As a few of you know, I had applied to take the LPN course out here about two years ago (it would have started in Jan of 08) unfortunately, it was cancelled due to the college revamping the course, etc. Needless to say I was disappointed. I have wanted to take an LPN course for over five years now, before I even moved out here...but Saskatoon didn't offer it at the time. I ended up taking the Home Support/Resident Care Aide course instead...it was half the length of the LPN (only six months instead of twelve) and was a good introduction into working in the health field. As I look back, I honestly don't think that I would have lasted twelve months straight through in school, as I hadn't been in school for quite some time! I probably would've dropped out. With taking the Care Aide course, I realized that I could do it! I've never had much confidence in myself when it came to school...I had a hard time in highschool...and I didn't enjoy the learning part that much...just the socializing:) When I went to hairdressing school, I graduated at the top of my class. I think wanting to do something over having to do something makes a huge difference! So last year, since it was my choice to be in school...I ended up graduating with Honors...would would've thunk it? Not me! Lol! So, I now know that I CAN do it! I am smart!

My last few posts have been mostly about leaving here. Someday, I hope we can, but until then, I NEED to make the best of it while I'm here! Last night I couldn't sleep. I started thinking about the LPN program again. I looked online at the one in Saskatoon...since lately, we've been kind of thinking of "home". At the moment, they are not taking any apps for next year and none from out of the province...and are going to be making it hard to get into the course by making it not first come first served...but instead who is the most qualified to take the course! That's how they're doing it for most of the course at the college in Saskatoon. Fair? I don't know. The waiting lists are crazy out there! So that wasn't really an option in my eyes. Then I looked at takinig the course through distance ed from a college in Edmonton. I wasn't too sure about doing the courses on my own...and then when I saw how much tuition was for out of province students...I axed that idea right away...its double for out of province students...crazy! In BC, the course is twelve months straight through...its a condensed course. In other provinces its two school years, or approx. 16mths. If I took it anywhere but here, I wouldn't graduate until 2012 if that...where as if I take it here, I'll graduate at the end of 2010!

So...... today I applied for the Jan 2010 LPN course and start upgrading in Bio on monday! Ahhhh!!! Then in Math in Sept. Crazy!!! As much as we've wanted to leave here...nothing seems to be happening. I finally decided that I need to make the best if things while I'm here...and achieving my goals can still be done while I'm here. I don't need to put my life on hold just because I'm not exactly where I want to be. I mean, a lot of people think that I hate it out here...I honestly don't. I just miss being able to see my family and friends from back home more than I do. I feel isolated out here in the winter...plus a few other things, but I don't hate it! A lot has happened in my life while being out here...a lot of mistakes have been made...but a lot of learning has also happened. Its all part of life...the good, the bad and the ugly. I just don't want to let another day go by thinking that I shoulda...but I didn't. If something happens between now and Jan and we end up moving...so be it. Atleast I'm prepared and have a plan if we don't. If I hadn't applied for the course and was still here in Jan...I would've been very upset with myself.

Well, I just wanted to share that with you all. Looks like I'm going to be busy for a while now...that'll be a good thing! I just pray that they don't end up cancelling the course again! That would honestly suck! I thank God for finally giving me the sense to just live and to stop regretting and thinking about things that may never be. He knows what He has planned for my life...all I can do is go to Him for guidance and hope that I'm doing the right thing in His eyes!

A Woman's Prayer

I pray for
Wisdom to understand a man
Love to forgive him
And patience for his moods

Because Lord, if I pray for strength,
I'll just beat him to death.


Jason saw this poem on the wall of his friend's mom's house last night...he thought that I'd like it...I do:) Lol!

Well its done...I slipped my letter of resignation under the door of my now former bosses office door!!! It feels good!

I got on with another place here in town. I won't officially start for a week or two yet...but thats ok...gives me a bit of time to just chill! I gave my two weeks at my other job...but honestly, I won't be taking any shifts if they call. Is that bad of me? I mean, I do have a choice if they do, so I'm fine with saying NO! For my new job I still need to get a criminal record check done and also a note from my Dr. saying that I am capable of doing the work that the job requires.

Speaking of Dr's. I just found out, through the local paper mind you, that my Dr. is leaving! Um, thanks for letting you patients know! We don't have enough Dr's out here as it is...now I need to find my family another one! Great!!! I sure wish that I could go back my Dr. in Saskatoon...I loved her, she's helped me through so much...she was the bomb!!!! Some people didn't like her, but just like with all people, you click with some and you don't with others...such is life.

I'm recertifying in my first aid tomorrow. Last time I took it, I registered for a class at our local college. It was fine, I passed, all was good. This time I'm taking it through St. John's Ambulance. I'm suppose to read about 20 chapters and answer the quizes at the end of each of them. I only registered yesterday and I've only gotten through 4 chapters...and here I sit and type. I hate reading as it is! Hopefully it'll all go well and I'll pass. I need if for my job. I needed it for my last job and they were suppose to pay for it...but that never happened. Oh well.

So J's been applying for a few jobs as of late. Three on the island...and three in Saskatoon. There are one or two in Calgary that he needs to check out as well...if he ever gets the time to do it. Work is keeping him busy!! We've decided that it probably isn't the smartest thing to just focus solely on one particular area. We need to be open to other area's and other possibilities. I think we'd be happy with almost anything between the island and Saskatoon to be honest. So we'll see what happens...I look forward to the day that I can write a post about J's new job and that we're moving!

I was talking with my daughter about moving. She really wants to move as well. She's bored out here...plus I think she misses being able to see family on a more regular basis...we all miss that! She told me yesterday that she thinks that being closer to family is more important that being close to the ocean...which she loves! I think that girl has her head on so straight that I couldn't make it any straighter if I tried. I needed to hear that. We just need to be living where we have easier access to family. Whether thats living in the same province or community, or being able to get seat sales so we can quickly fly to where we want or need to be. Either way, I think we'd all be a lot happier if we had any of those options!

Well as usual, thats all I got. I hope everyone who reads this blog is well and that spring has arrived wherever you are! Today was beautiful out here. I'm not sure how warm it got, but around 6pm, it said that it was +14 on our trucks thermometer!

This Song...

Right now I want to be sitting on a beach, staring out into the sea and listening to this song (first song on his myspace playlist) ...for some reason it lets me feel sad, yet hopeful all in the same...not sure why. I just love it!

Today....

Well, today I had hoped I was going to go and get me the job I felt was mine...maybe "mine" isn't the right word. I guess the job that I feel I should be doing. I've gone to school for a few things and have never followed through in those career paths. Here I am finally really wanting to do what I went to school for last year and its just not happening.

As some of you know, I had two jobs in September, quit both out of panic and things that were said and by being totally overwhelmed with it all. I went back about a month later to apologize and to ask for the one job back. I was told no...but that they (being one person actually) would like to see some sort of "commitment" from me, either through volunteering or through another job. So I got myself another job. One that I have been working at here and there, one that I don't have a heart for and one that I dislike very much!!! I've only kept on with it to prove that I can be commited!! So a couple of weeks ago I called this "person", telling them that I was still interested in the opportunity to work at this place...I had to leave a message, but she did call back. She said that I had to reapply and that I would be considered for the next round of hiring. So today I dropped off my application. She brought me into her office, sat down and said...
"I won't deny anyone the right to put in and application...but to tell you the truth, your chances of being hired here are slim to none. First impressions are everything and your's wasn't that great. You called in sick for your orientation here when actually you were doing your orientation at the hospital"...
I said that I quit there before I started at the hospital...which was true!!! She said...
"Well I'm not going to argue with you!" So I explained that I made my decisions out of haste, that I went about it the wrong way, but that I was overwhelmed with it all and felt like my only option was to quit, rather than maybe telling them that I was overwhelmed by everything and needed a few days to think. She said...
"I hope you're honest with your next employer". I just felt my heart sinking and my face getting hot. I really wanted to argue my point...but I just couldn't. I didn't want to start bawling while I was there...I didn't want her to know that she got to me!

For her to talk about "honesty" was a joke. Here she tells me that she wants to see some sort of commitment from me, so thats what I do. She later says that I should reapply and WILL BE considered for the next round of hiring...so thats what I do. Then turns around and slaps me in the face to tell me that I won't be hired on there because of my "first impression"!!!! This person doesn't have many fans...and honestly I was giving her the benefit of the doubt...but today I saw it...and frankly, what people have said is true. I mean, its not like I did anything wrong to anybody there!!! I didn't hurt anyone, I didn't say anything, no lives were in danger...it had nothing to do with anyone...just me! The one career path that I want to persue...doesn't seem to be going the way I had planned! I am at my witts end! I don't get it. I don't want to hear that God has something "better" for me...cause right now, I don't really believe it! This is the only seniors facility in our town...there's the hospital...which I won't go back to because that just didn't work for me. Home support is another option...but I don't think anyone has been hired there since last June!!! This town is just too small...no second chances seem to be given to anyone. I could go on...but I won't.

So right now I feel defeated and deflated. I don't know what else to do. I'm frustrated and sad.

Another thing...this person lives down the street from me, her kids go to the daycare next door to me and her son and my son are in the same grade in the same school...thankfully not in the same class.

I just ask you all to pray for me. I don't have much hope these days. J's job sucks the big one...I won't even get into the latest crap going on around there. He's applied for a couple of jobs on the island...may start looking places other than there yet. For us these days...especially his job...its not about the money...its about being "somewhat" happy in your job...being respected and valued. We are not happy out here and its really starting to take a toll on our family and our marriage...we need to get out of here. I know most people don't get it...but I'm not about to explain it either. I just want to get back to being me and not have constant reminders of how bad things have gotten at every turn I make!

My SIL has lost a friend. He was one of the canadian soldiers who died over the past week. I personally don't know anyone who is fighting out there. I can only imagine what their family's have to go through. I won't talk about my thoughts on this war. I hear about those who have fallen and for a moment think about them...then carry on with my life. It just touched me tonight to read her blog...it made me think for more than just a moment the sacrifice that they are making...whether we support or don't support the war...we need to support them and their families through these tough times, even if we don't know any of them personally...we can still life them up in prayer. I just thought that you should check out my SIL's blog so you can read the beautiful post that she wrote about her friend.

Life as of lately...

Well...hmmm...whats been going on?

In January my husband applied for a job in Victoria. We went for a mini vacation to check the island out...I tell ya, one week is not enough. We all fell in love with the place...who wouldn't? Last week we found out that J didn't get the job...disappointed? Yes...of course! Ready to give up? Heck NO!!!

I have to say that over the past month, it was a wonderful feeling to have HOPE...to be happy with the thoughts of what could be. I did my best to not get those hopes up too much...and all in all, I think I was prepared for a "no" in regards to the job...but it still hurt and it still stung, I'd be lying if I said that it didn't.

I remembered while we were out there that I used to dream of living in a place like that. When I was a kid we went to Expo 86 in Vancouver. We took a little side trip to the island as well. I don't remember much about it except for Chemainus and walking on Long Beach in Tofino. What I do remember is how much I loved it and dreamed of living in that kind of setting once I was older. I used to write letters to my cousin planning our lives so we could live together in a house on the beach (yes, I little bit of a dreamer...but hey, I was young). While we were out there, I felt such a sense of peace. Not just because its beautiful, or because I was on vacation...no. I remembered my dream of living there. I had even wrote in my yearbook in Grade 12 about moving to BC once I was older. I did move here...but this wasn't the "BC" that I was talking about. I've flip flopped over the years as to where I'd like to be...but going out there...I felt an overwhelming peace. Standing on a beach in the cool wind, waves lapping at my feet, birds flying over head, watching my kids combing the beach and not wanting to leave...that was almost paradise to me. I remembered my "dream" while I was out there. I think as I grew older, got married, had kids...I just forgot about what I had hoped for my life. "Life" gets in the way. Now that I'm actually in BC...I realize how close I am to achieving what I had wanted for so long in my life, but just forgot about. Its not the beauty of the island that makes me want to be there...well I guess it helps...but where I live now is pretty beautiful too...just in a different way. I love being near the ocean...the feeling I get there is indescribable. I think if I lived near a beach...I'd be there everyday, just walking and taking it all in. I heard once that water means "life". I believe it...just like when we are baptized, the water signifies new life in Christ.

I've been talking with an amazing woman lately and she has made me see a few things more clearly. I stopped by her house last night to drop something off and ended up staying for about three hours...just pouring my heart out to her...she truly listened to what I had to say. She explained some things to me so clearly...she made me less afraid of some things that I had doubts on before. She also said something to me that no one else has ever said...she said, "Tanya, I do not believe that you are depressed...you are sad, no depressed, there is a difference". She nailed it! I've often felt like if I was truly depressed, why do I have happy days...with NO medication? If I was depressed, I wouldn't have had the feelings of hope and joy that I had over the past month while we waited to see if J had gotten the job or not. If I was truly depressed, I wouldn't have enjoyed my time on the island. I do have some really good days! I've always wondered myself if I was really depressed...I don't think that I am either...and not just because she says that I'm not. I believe her...she is an amazing woman of God and I truly believe that He gave her those words to tell me.

I've also realized that I don't know who I am...I've lost myself to some extent. I'm no longer a "full day" mother...I'm still a full time mother, but I don't have my kids all day as they are both in school all day. I'm not doing what I went to school for, but I am doing something that isn't "me"...and I hate it. I was an at home mom for ten years, now I'm at home, but my kids aren't. I don't know exactly who TANYA is! She asked me what I enjoy doing...just for me...I honestly had to think for a while. I used to love drawing, and I really enjoyed it. I didn't do it for others, but I did it for myself. Over the past couple of years I have started to get back into it...but not in the way that I had hoped. I usually sit there with a blank page and have absolutely no idea what to do, so I give up. This friend, she said that she felt that I needed to start drawing again, doing art again...she believes that I'll start finding myself again if I do this. I think she's right. I just need to remember that I need to do it for ME, not for anyone else. Not that I won't share it, or make something for someone, but it has to be for me first and then for someone else...you know what I mean?

So, although J didn't get the job...we're still hopeful that something will happen out there...its just going to take time. There will be days that I forget all of this and will be irrational (I'm NEVER irrational...lol), but I know that God has a plan. He knows that we don't want to be here, and like my sister said, if we don't want to be here, He won't keep us here forever...and I believe that to be true. I feel the winds of change slowly starting to churn...it may take a while for them to blow us to the next place...but until then, I will wait, as patiently as I can.