A Big Honkin Vent!!!! Kinda

Well here I sit...wishing I was where this pic was taken...at the ocean near Rupert on sunday. My husband, myself and my kids went there for the day...it was good to get away...it was nice to not think about the past two weeks for a while.

The past two week...what a literal night mare for me. I have messed up once again and I don't know how I'm suppose to make myself feel any better. I've prayed, but yet I don't know what to pray for...do you know what I mean? I know others have been praying for me...I appreciate that. I just feel lost...hopeless...stuck. As you know (whoever reads this) I had a job at the hospital. Well it didn't seem like it was going to happen. I talked to one person...then another...but could never get any answers. So I went elsewhere, to the local seniors residence where I had done my practicums for my course. I got hired on the spot. I was very happy. But...during my "chat" with the person that hired me...some stuff came up that I had supposively done while I was a student...things that others had said I had done...things that weren't true...yet I had to sit there and explain myself. I felt sick. So as the days went by...these "things" kept eating at me, day after day...making me feel sicker and sicker. Well on my first day orientating at my new job...the hospital called...of course!!! So then I felt overwhelmed like you wouldn't believe. I had two jobs now. I felt like I had to choose. These "things" were bothering me so much that I talked to someone at work about them...this person was the "shop steward"...the go to person when you have a problem with management. She was livid that these "things" were even said to me. She said that if they were such an issue that they should have been brought to my attention while I was a student...not now, two months later. She suggested that if I had a job at the hospital...that I should take it and not stay at the one job. She has even taken it to the union rep! Seriously!! So thats what I did. Well...I felt better after I left there...knowing that I had another job and that I didn't have to have those "things" eating away at me any longer. I started at the hospital. Well...the first day was ok...I felt so lost...it was so different than I had imagined...plus the twelve hours on my feet compared to eight...was brutal. The next day I went again and realized that this was not for me...I came home and hid in my room and bawled my head off. I had even called where I had quit to ask for my job back. I was a mess. I went back again the next day to the hospital (I had four days of orientation)...had an emotional breakdown...talked with the lady that was training me...she told me to just take it easy...I took a break. Worked for another hour or two and lost it again. I just couldn't keep it together. My heart was pounding so hard that entire morning...I couldn't stop crying. I was pulled into my bosses office...he sent me home. He also said that it was ok...that working there wasn't for everyone...and that thats ok!!! He told me to think about it...and to give him a call. I thought about it for a couple of days. I knew deep down in my heart that I couldn't mentally handle that job right now...and phyically too....not twelve hours. So I gave up that job too. Now its been a week since I've worked anywhere. I'm still not feeling any better about anything. My heart is still pounding...I'm still crying. My mind won't stop racing with thoughts. I really wish that the hospital would've called sooner...I wouldn't have applied at the other place until I knew that I didn't like the hospital. I wish those "things" were never said...cause they made me feel awful...they were things that I never would do...and for that to be said about me hurt!!!!! Even if it was just gossip! So here I sit...wondering if I'm even in the right mental state to be working at all. I've thought about going back to the place where the "things" were said...but then all the negative stuff about working there stops me. I KNOW that no job is ever going to be perfect. I know that. I know that I'm good at what I do...but I feel that my confidence in myself has been shattered. I know that I don't have to work...but deep down I feel that I should. I know that I have the option of doing homesupport instead(its alot less stress than working in a facility...you're basically one on one with your client and you don't have someone watching you all the time, waiting for you to mess up...that appeals to me)...but I'm afraid that I will fail at that as well. I know that I have alot of stuff do in my house...it needs to get done. Thats kind of what my husband and I have agreed on. That I don't have to work right now...I have my entire life to work. This house is holding us back and we'd really like to move on in our lives...we really want to move from here (I have for two years already) and neither of us feels like working on it when we have to work regular jobs. I'm trying to accept the fact that its ok that I don't work...that working on the house is a good thing (even though the pay sucks) that maybe this is what I'm suppose to do. But then I start thinking about working outside of the home again...thinking about what if we don't move...what if Jason doesn't find a job somewhere else...what then? Do I ask for my job back? I just dont' feel content or assured in any of my decisions! I hate it! Why am I so indecisive? I don't understand. Why do I feel like the best place for me is in the looney bin? I honestly sit here and think about all the money I could be making...I don't want my job to be about just the money! I think thats one of the reasons that I feel so much pressure to work...its because I could be making pretty good money at what I do. I'm not saying that we don't need it...cause we do...but is it worth all of this? I just wish that God would knock me on the head and tell me exactly what to do! I'm tired of making rash and hasty decisions. I'm tired of being emotional about everything. I'm tired of caring so much about what others think...especially about me. I'm tired of being so sensitive that it makes me miserable. I'm tired of being sad.

I do plan on working sometime in the near future. If we move...I have every intention of working once we are settled. This house has been hanging over our heads for over three years now. It has taken alot of joy out of my life...and unfortunately I've let it. So I don't know. I really want to get it done. I can do that...well most of it myself. But I honestly don't know that it will happen if I start working. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I hate this. This is how my thoughts go all day long. I don't understand why all this has happened...I know there is some larger to all of this...I just wish I knew which direction I was suppose to go to get happy again!

I know that I'm hard on myself. I've just done this too many times in my life. I get scared or hurt or upset or overwhelmed and I run. I don't know why...I wish I did cause I would definitely do whatever I had to to change it all. I need to figure myself out. Right now though...I know that I need to take care of ME...cause if Mama ain't happy...nobody's happy! I can honestly say that if I do work...I'm leaning towards homesupport. I always thought that I wouldn't like it...just for the fact that you may find yourself in an unsafe situation. Well I'll tell ya...working in the facility...you can find yourself in the same thing...sometimes even worse....seriously! Homesupport is less money...but I am on my own...like I said, no one waiting or watching for me to mess up...its kind of like glorified babysitting I guess you could say. Babysitting...I did that for many years after we got married...that is the only job that I have been able to stick to for a long period of time...hmmm...definitely something to think about.

If you feel that you can...please pray for me! Thanks.

I can't come up with good title's for my posts anymore...

Well the time has come for a bit of an update I think! It feels like forever since my last post and so much seems to have happened since then.

As you know, our cat died. Well a week after she left, I...on a whim may I add...bought a puppy. I have to admit that I didn't think it through a whole lot...and I wasn't trying to replace the cat...we had talked about getting a puppy in the fall for the kids b'days...but all of a sudden there was one for sale, and I knew that I had to get her. She is sooo sweet, yet a little terd disturber all the same, LOL! Seriously...it has helped us all alot and we love her so much. She's a mutt, but a cute mutt at that. She's a pom/terrier plus a bit more terrier, plus whatever else is thrown in there. She looks terrier though. Most people as what kind of terrier she is...I don't know...her own unique self!! We named her Bailey...I like to call her Bailey Ray Cyrus (yes, Hanna Montana has some influence in this house...haha). She's a fiesty little girl, but is very cuddly, which we all enjoy. She sleeps with Syd and thats a good thing. As I said in my previous post, Rosy our cat slept with Syd all the time...now Syd has a new friend to cuddle with at night. Our big dog Koby doesn't care for her much yet, hopefully they'll grow to be friends.

I've also been offered a job at the hospital here. Its just on a casul basis, which is alright since I still have two kids to look after, and who still need me some of the time. I haven't started yet...its been kind of frustrating. The hiring process is a bit different for this kind of position as the hospital people don't check your references and stuff...they get a seperate company to do that...plus police checks too. So I'm not sure why its taking so long to start...but I'm enjoying my free time as much as possible right now. It'll be twelve hour shifts 7am-7pm...so that makes for a long day, but I'm sure I'll get used to it. If I happen to get on full time at some point, it'll be four days on, five days off...so thats actually really nice. I'm excited, yet nervouse all the same.

Jason's parents were here for a week. They've been RV hauling since early spring. What they do is go to the manufacturer of the RV...usually in Indiana...but this time they had to go to Oregon and then deliver the RV to the dealership here where we live. So we had a good visit with them. We got some fishing done as well. The first couple days were unsuccessful in us keeping any...but they were able to catch quite a few steelhead, but because of declining numbers, you're no longer allowed to keep them. BTW...a steelhead for those of you who don't know is a trout that has gone out to the ocean and has come back to spawn in fresh water streams and rivers. On their last day fishing, Jason caught to Coho salmon in his first hour of fishing, Rowyn reeled in two as well and J's parents caught three. So needless to say, we have a few fish in the freezer and so will J's parents! I think all together 9 coho were caught as well as two pinks! Thats the most success we've ever had! Its kinda nice! Of course it happens the year that I don't get my fishing license! Oh well...I'll eat them just the same!

Our reno's are slowly but surely coming along. Atleast our new tub is usable and the shower is installed but the back ring of the tap needs to be installed. I was soaking in the tub today and when I tried to get out, I slipped and smashed the side of my face on my newly tiled wall and wrenched my neck and hit my shoulder...my lower back must of gotten twisted as well. I bawled like a baby I tell ya...J had to come and help me get out of the tub. I think I cried more out of shock than anything. What a way to break in the new tub!! So I'm eagerly awaiting to see if I will have any bruises. My cheekbone looks a bit more prominent than before...just need the other one to look the same and I'll have some very nice bone structure...lol!

Thats about it I guess! Ciao!

This week....

Hey everyone (if there is indeed anyone reading this anymore). Well I'm bummed out. Things just aren't fun as of late. In my last post I was hoping for a job...well I didn't get it. Not sure why...but thats the nature of the business I guess. I was told that I wasn't chosen "this time around"...so maybe the next round will be my time...where I applied they are adding on so they will be hiring more staff. Only two of my classmates are working there...actually three, but the one was working there before we started school, so she just switched positions. I also only know of two others in my class that are working in Home Support. I may apply and try that out...its really not my first, or second choice...but I do want to work and not lose my skills. I still haven't heard from the hospital...I will give them a call this coming week. Just kind of frustrated. I thought for sure that I'd have a job...not to be or sound cocky...but I really thought that more than four people out of my class would be employed by now. Oh well, life has kind of been crazy for me the past month anyways.

My sister and her family were here for a few days...it was good, but I felt so bad cause my bathrooms still weren't done and I honestly wasn't the best host. Atleast my sister loves me...whether I'm prepared or not:) We then headed to Edmonton for a couple of days. It was fun, but crazy and busy. We were able to see Jason's brother and his family and his parents before we came home. While we were out there my dear neighbor housesat for us. She texted me that my one cat Rosy seemed depressed and was throwing up and not eating. I didn't think much of it...just thought that she may be eating when Tamara wasn't around. Well when we got home, I could see that she wasn't doing too well. It was last friday evening that we got home, so I decided to see how she'd do over the weekend. I thought maybe once we were back that she'd start to eat again. Well she didn't. She just became weaker and more lethargic. On monday she really wasn't doing well, I gave the vet a call but couldn't get in until this past wednesday. I was going to have her put to sleep, but decided to have her checked out first. By tuesday, I changed my mind. She couldn't stand without falling, she had stopped going to the bathroom and she was drooling some nasty stuff. I changed my appt. to one that would just be putting her to sleep. It was so hard to see her this way...she was so skinny, so weak...but yet she'd still purr when you held her. I prayed that God would take her...I couldn't do anything for her. I tried to syringe feed her some chicken flavored baby food...I got some into her...but she really fought it. On tuesday...she actually peed in her bed that I made for her...I knew then...the end was close. I couldn't sleep very well that night. She woke me up with a strange cry in the middle of the night. I checked on her and just prayed that it would all end...I couldn't get back to sleep so I got up for about an hour. I went back to my room around 4:15 am. She had moved her head upwards and was taking her last breathes. Within a few minutes she was gone. I was crying so hard that I woke my husband up. Then my daughter woke up. Rosy was her best friend...she slept with her almost every night...now she was gone. She was only seven...I have NO idea what happened to her. When I had described her symptoms to my vet...they said that it could be anything from a reaction to a bug bite, to kidney failure. She wasn't an outside cat, but she did occasionally roam around our front yard...but usually not for long. She wasn't vaccinated...so I got the guilt trip from one of our vets out here...they wouldn't even see her. It was not a fun time... I just wish that I knew what happened...but I know that I will never know. I know that she was just a cat...but she was our cat, and even though she drove us all nutts at times and scared many of our friends :) she was loved and will be missed. She was our first family pet. Thankfully we still have two fur balls around to love...one more cat and a dog. I just feel sooooo bad for Syd. Every night when its time for bed...she cries...she just wants her cat there to cuddle with in bed.

I don't think that Rosy was ever a very healthy cat. She had one leg shorter than the other, had a bought with some weird skin thing about two years ago and was very Dr. jekyl/Mr. Hyde when it came to personality. She could be so loving...and then scream and hiss at you the next. One of her litter mates died from depression when they were kittens because it missed the other kittens that were sold. So she may have been sick for a long time and we just didn't know...who knows. Its just weird to not hear her around. Our other cat is very quiet except when he purrs...then he sounds like a chainsaw!

I'm now realizing that if I had been hired at our local seniors home...I would have had to start this week and I don't think I could have because I wouldn't have wanted to leave the kids alone with the cat dying and then after she was gone...it would not have been right to leave them in such distress. So i look at this all as God's timing...it always is His timing...and I'm thankful now that it all worked out the way it did. I don't love the fact that my cat died...but I am glad that she was able to pass at home and that I didn't have the guilt of having to put her to sleep.

I know this is a crazy post about my cat...I'm sorry...this just has been my week.

This weekend I should've been at a ladies retreat...but I didn't sign up in time...so now I'm here...but I have reno's...yippee...not! I'm kinda regretting not going...but I was so preoccupied this week...and I haven't been in church the past couple of weeks. Oh well.

Well I hope I didn't depress you all too much. Thanks for reading and making it to the end. I promise that my next post will be a bit more cheerful (I hope).

What's new...

Well its a little late, but summer has finally arrived in this part of the world!! Today was beautiful. After not seeing the sun for about two weeks, or atleast it seemed that way, we finally had our first official first summery day of summer! We spent it on the river bank with some friends...just hanging out, fishing and playing in the sand and the water...good times!

So I am no longer a student!! Woo hoo! I am so happy to say that. I may even be employed...but I'm not sure yet. What I mean is that I had an interview last wednesday, got some "back check" papers to fill out and had my driver's license photocopied...so now I wait. One of my instructors said that if I got those papers...then I have a job. I haven't officially been offered one, so I will wait and see before I say that I do! I'm also going to give the hospital a call tomorrow to talk to a guy there. My last practicum instructor mentioned my name to him (she's and LPN and the hospital) and he wants to give him a call. So I need to get on that tomorrow. The hospital has 12 hr shifts...which I'm sure can be brutal...but the way I see it is...since I don't want to work full time...I could work one or two shifts per week, and I'd be good to go! If I get on there and at our local seniors home...I could work as much or as little as I want. Right now I'd like to work about three days a week. That's enough for me...plus I still have kids at home that need me more than they think they do. So I'm sending up some prayers and crossing a few fingers that all turns out well and in my favor.

On my last day of being a student...I had my interview and then my day was over (I had worked the last of four eight hour shifts before the interview) as I drove away from the facility I just burst into tears. I'm not sure why. I don't know if it was a release of some sort, tiredness or that I'm so happy that I'm done or that I'm scared to actually work again and make some pretty good coinage! I was like that the rest of the day. I'm a bit nervous to actually work...but I know that its something that I need to do for me, if no one else. It help keeps my mind occupied, helps me to stay focused on the task at hand and to keep my mind from thinking about all the negative things that I could dwell on, but shouldn't. Going to school has really saved me from a dark place. I am happy to say that I feel alot better than I have in the past year or two and that I have been able to ween myself off of my anti-depressants! I've been off of them for a couple of weeks already and so far so good! I'd really like to live without them...and I think that occupying myself with a job will really help.

My sister and her family are coming here in a week and a half or so...I'm so excited. I haven't seen them since last summer. I'm praying for atleast one lake day...last time they were here we didn't make it to the lake at all. They're only here for a few days and then we're all going to head to Edmonton and meet up with my parents there and do the whole mall thing for a couple of days. My parents and sister and her family well then head back to Stoon, while my family and myself will stick around the area for a few more days and visit with Jason's brother and his family and hopefully his parents as well. Then we'll come back here and back to the grind.

Jason is renovating our bathroom right now. He has taken two weeks off unpaid (eeeek!) and then has two weeks of holidays. So far things are coming along...but I don't have a shower or a tub...just a toilet in the basement along with a sink. We've been going to the local campsite for loonie showers...they're not that bad actually. We bought a repo house about three years ago and are finally able to gut the bathroom. We've only had a tub since we've moved here...not fun! The previous owners did some bizarre things to this place and we've just been trying to get it back to "normal"...our bathroom actually used to be two, so thats what we're doing...putting it back to two, instead of one. I'll try and post pics once its all completed. The bathroom's aren't going to be anything fancy...but so much better than what we've had, so I'm pretty excited!

Well thats about it for me. Its hard trying to get back into the groove of blogging...I've hardly done any since I started school. Hopefully things will pick up in this area for me...we'll see I guess.

Take care everyone! Happy Summer!

Wow...its been over a month!

Well what can I say...hmmm...I'm not sure. Life is crazy busy, I just got off "work" a while ago. I have one more day left...then three off. I've worked the past six out of seven days, eight hour shifts...who knew that life could be so nutts!!! Sunday was my only day off and it wasn't enough. Thankfully today was the best day that I've had all week. Yesterday I had a nasty headache and felt just weird in my head...kinda fuzzy. The day before my back was killing me...but today, I felt great, thank goodness!! I only have five more days of being a student...woo hoo!!! Right now I'm doing my transition...its where I'm on my own, no instructor, just the help of other care aides, its to help us go from student to actual worker. So far so good. I also have some exciting news...I have an interview next wednesday. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time. Its been so long since I've gotten and actual paycheck...hopefully it won't be much longer;)

Not much else is that new or exciting at the moment. I could talk about a few things...but I'm not much in the mood. I thank you all for checking back, even if there are no updates. Hopefully I'll be able to update more frequently...maybe not. I guess time will tell.

Hope all is well with everyone out there! Take care!

A bit of an update (for Jenny:)

Well things are good. The kids are in soccer...Syd loves it...I think Rowyn does too as he talks about it all the time...but he has yet to participate...grrrr!!! He's had a practise and a game and hasn't gotten on the field yet...that kid!! Clinical is going well...I'm sooooo glad to be done with school. I work in the local care home three days a week...thurs, fri and saturday 7am-3pm...its going pretty good. I did have one day where a resident flipped out on me and swore up both sides of me for about five minutes. I was told that I should have left her (she was in a special lift for going onto the toilet as she doesn't walk) as long as the brakes were on, so she could think about how she was acting. But I didn't. I got her ready and then left the room and broke down bawling like a baby. I wasn't hurt by her comments...just more in shock I guess...just a natural reaction for me...I have never in my life been talked to the way she talked to me...oh well...its all part of the job!!

Right now my parents are here...its so nice having them around. The kids and I hadn't seen them since August and its been about a year for Jason. We've just been puttering around the house, trying to get a few things done. Syd's in heaven as grandma will play board and card games with her all the time ( I hate games...I know, I'm bad) and Rowyn is acting life a goofball and also seeing how far he can push everyone...which isn't so good! He's also learned how to ride his bike this past week without training wheels. You should see him...its like he's been riding a two wheeler for years already...going in an out of the ditches and flying down the street...you can't keep him off that bike...its almost to the point of annoying how much he loves to ride...I'm kind of glad that we're having a good rain today;)

So thats about it for me...I think we're going to head to Prince Rupert this saturday...its my grad day and I should be walking across the stage...but its an all day affair and I'd rather be spending it doing something with my family and something thats alot more fun. There's only a handful from my class that are actually going, so really, I don't feel guilty about it.

I hope you all are doing well and are enjoying spring!

Been A While!

Well first off...all I have to say is PHEW!!! Glad that part is over!!! Yesterday was my last exam and my last day in a classroom!!! No more racking my brain...no more information overload...no more brain spillage because its so crammed pack of "stuff"...ahhhh...it'll be nice just go to clinical and do my thing three days a week and then enjoy my four days off...sooooo nice! A few of us went out to celebrate last night...it was alot of fun I must say. Its been nice getting to know some new people and making some new friends...a couple of them have been really supportive when times have been tough...I'm very thankful for them. I'm just so glad that I am no longer stuck in a room with over 20 women all day long...soon they were going to have to pad the walls in that room...not only for my sake, but for the sake of a few of us. I certainly won't miss the dram either!

So since I've been in school...I've been doing alot of sitting...I'm so glad that I now will have the time and the mental energy to get out and do some exercising...its been too long and its starting to show unfortunately. I've been so drained mentally and emotionally that I haven't seemed to even eat well...my poor family hasn't had many decent meals since I've started school...hopefully that'll now change!

My parents are coming down/up...whichever way you look at it. Next weekend they'll be here. I haven't seen them since August...thats just too long! Jason hasn't seen them in a year! It'll be so nice to have them around. My house is in such disarray though....so I better start tidying up and organizing so they have somewhere to sleep...cause at this moment...there is alot of stuff piled up on that spare bed!!

Well I hope all of you are doing well!!