A Big Honkin Vent!!!! Kinda

Well here I sit...wishing I was where this pic was taken...at the ocean near Rupert on sunday. My husband, myself and my kids went there for the day...it was good to get away...it was nice to not think about the past two weeks for a while.

The past two week...what a literal night mare for me. I have messed up once again and I don't know how I'm suppose to make myself feel any better. I've prayed, but yet I don't know what to pray for...do you know what I mean? I know others have been praying for me...I appreciate that. I just feel lost...hopeless...stuck. As you know (whoever reads this) I had a job at the hospital. Well it didn't seem like it was going to happen. I talked to one person...then another...but could never get any answers. So I went elsewhere, to the local seniors residence where I had done my practicums for my course. I got hired on the spot. I was very happy. But...during my "chat" with the person that hired me...some stuff came up that I had supposively done while I was a student...things that others had said I had done...things that weren't true...yet I had to sit there and explain myself. I felt sick. So as the days went by...these "things" kept eating at me, day after day...making me feel sicker and sicker. Well on my first day orientating at my new job...the hospital called...of course!!! So then I felt overwhelmed like you wouldn't believe. I had two jobs now. I felt like I had to choose. These "things" were bothering me so much that I talked to someone at work about them...this person was the "shop steward"...the go to person when you have a problem with management. She was livid that these "things" were even said to me. She said that if they were such an issue that they should have been brought to my attention while I was a student...not now, two months later. She suggested that if I had a job at the hospital...that I should take it and not stay at the one job. She has even taken it to the union rep! Seriously!! So thats what I did. Well...I felt better after I left there...knowing that I had another job and that I didn't have to have those "things" eating away at me any longer. I started at the hospital. Well...the first day was ok...I felt so lost...it was so different than I had imagined...plus the twelve hours on my feet compared to eight...was brutal. The next day I went again and realized that this was not for me...I came home and hid in my room and bawled my head off. I had even called where I had quit to ask for my job back. I was a mess. I went back again the next day to the hospital (I had four days of orientation)...had an emotional breakdown...talked with the lady that was training me...she told me to just take it easy...I took a break. Worked for another hour or two and lost it again. I just couldn't keep it together. My heart was pounding so hard that entire morning...I couldn't stop crying. I was pulled into my bosses office...he sent me home. He also said that it was ok...that working there wasn't for everyone...and that thats ok!!! He told me to think about it...and to give him a call. I thought about it for a couple of days. I knew deep down in my heart that I couldn't mentally handle that job right now...and phyically too....not twelve hours. So I gave up that job too. Now its been a week since I've worked anywhere. I'm still not feeling any better about anything. My heart is still pounding...I'm still crying. My mind won't stop racing with thoughts. I really wish that the hospital would've called sooner...I wouldn't have applied at the other place until I knew that I didn't like the hospital. I wish those "things" were never said...cause they made me feel awful...they were things that I never would do...and for that to be said about me hurt!!!!! Even if it was just gossip! So here I sit...wondering if I'm even in the right mental state to be working at all. I've thought about going back to the place where the "things" were said...but then all the negative stuff about working there stops me. I KNOW that no job is ever going to be perfect. I know that. I know that I'm good at what I do...but I feel that my confidence in myself has been shattered. I know that I don't have to work...but deep down I feel that I should. I know that I have the option of doing homesupport instead(its alot less stress than working in a facility...you're basically one on one with your client and you don't have someone watching you all the time, waiting for you to mess up...that appeals to me)...but I'm afraid that I will fail at that as well. I know that I have alot of stuff do in my house...it needs to get done. Thats kind of what my husband and I have agreed on. That I don't have to work right now...I have my entire life to work. This house is holding us back and we'd really like to move on in our lives...we really want to move from here (I have for two years already) and neither of us feels like working on it when we have to work regular jobs. I'm trying to accept the fact that its ok that I don't work...that working on the house is a good thing (even though the pay sucks) that maybe this is what I'm suppose to do. But then I start thinking about working outside of the home again...thinking about what if we don't move...what if Jason doesn't find a job somewhere else...what then? Do I ask for my job back? I just dont' feel content or assured in any of my decisions! I hate it! Why am I so indecisive? I don't understand. Why do I feel like the best place for me is in the looney bin? I honestly sit here and think about all the money I could be making...I don't want my job to be about just the money! I think thats one of the reasons that I feel so much pressure to work...its because I could be making pretty good money at what I do. I'm not saying that we don't need it...cause we do...but is it worth all of this? I just wish that God would knock me on the head and tell me exactly what to do! I'm tired of making rash and hasty decisions. I'm tired of being emotional about everything. I'm tired of caring so much about what others think...especially about me. I'm tired of being so sensitive that it makes me miserable. I'm tired of being sad.

I do plan on working sometime in the near future. If we move...I have every intention of working once we are settled. This house has been hanging over our heads for over three years now. It has taken alot of joy out of my life...and unfortunately I've let it. So I don't know. I really want to get it done. I can do that...well most of it myself. But I honestly don't know that it will happen if I start working. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I hate this. This is how my thoughts go all day long. I don't understand why all this has happened...I know there is some larger to all of this...I just wish I knew which direction I was suppose to go to get happy again!

I know that I'm hard on myself. I've just done this too many times in my life. I get scared or hurt or upset or overwhelmed and I run. I don't know why...I wish I did cause I would definitely do whatever I had to to change it all. I need to figure myself out. Right now though...I know that I need to take care of ME...cause if Mama ain't happy...nobody's happy! I can honestly say that if I do work...I'm leaning towards homesupport. I always thought that I wouldn't like it...just for the fact that you may find yourself in an unsafe situation. Well I'll tell ya...working in the facility...you can find yourself in the same thing...sometimes even worse....seriously! Homesupport is less money...but I am on my own...like I said, no one waiting or watching for me to mess up...its kind of like glorified babysitting I guess you could say. Babysitting...I did that for many years after we got married...that is the only job that I have been able to stick to for a long period of time...hmmm...definitely something to think about.

If you feel that you can...please pray for me! Thanks.