Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Decisions, decisions!!!

Well I cannot sleep!! So I'm going to blog and I'm sure you will all think I am totally nutts by the end of this post...thats ok...think what you want!

Soooooo, I have decided once again to axe the Safeway job...this time my decision is final. I just can't see it being worth it for only two and a half months. I will just be getting the swing of things and then I'm going to have to quit. I really don't think I could work and do school at the same time. School will be full time hours...so working on top of that, plus having two kids and a husband will just be too much for this chick!! So I'm not going to work. This may be the last two and a half months of not working or going to school that I will have in a long, long, long time...so I might as well enjoy them!!

On a kind of sad but smart note...we have decided to sell our truck instead of the van. Jason was crunching some numbers and its just not worth it to have the truck right now...sure its been alot of fun being able to go "anywhere" with it...but its just costing us too much right now. He figured that we're getting 12-14 mpg with it...not good!! The van gets about 25mpg or better...so with me going to school everday in Jan. and it being about 15km away, give or take in one direction...it would be much wiser to be using the van instead of the truck...alot cheaper in gas, thats for sure. Plus we think it'll be alot easier to sell the truck rather than the van. Once I'm done school and working...then we'll think of getting our beloved 4x4. Right now it just makes sense to do this...its the "practical" decision and choice, even though it won't be as much fun driving the van around as it is to drive the truck...sacrifices!!

So I guess we have a cougar in the neighborhood. My neighbor behind me says that its been in her neighbors garbage. Yikes! Our dog was flipping out the other night too, so I bet it may have been the cougar. We have an empty lot directly behind our house and its all bush and evergreens...a great place for a big cat to hang out in. Plus my neighbor also said that there are three black bears in the area as well...one being huge. How much "fun" can one neighborhood handle!!! Oh the joys!!

On saturday we took a road trip to Prince Rupert. It was a great day. We always seem to pick the sunniest days to go to Rupert. We've hardly ever had rain when we've gone there. It can be crappy here, and usually is, but once we get there its all sunny! I know that with most people, its the opposite! We went to Ridly Island which is just before Rupert. I had heard that there are dolphins there sometimes...and as luck would have it...we got to see some. They were pretty close too. I think there was about four or five of them...it was hard to tell...they were feeding I assume as they just kept swimming back and forth in a certain area. They didn't pull any Flipper moves by jumping out of the water...but it was still amazing to see. I have only seen dolphins at Marineland in California...so it was a real treat to see them in the wild so close up and so close to home. We spent atleast a half hour watching them. It was a really good day for a road trip. We also stopped at "the rock"...a favorite place for the kids to lift up rocks and find alot of little crabs scooting around trying to get back under the rocks. Rowyn was holding one and it decided to head up his sleeve...it was pretty funny. He also got spit at by a clam!

Well thats about it for me. I got a few pics of the dolphins...they totally don't do them any justice...but you can atleast see that something with a fin is definitely there. I'll post them soon.

I hope everyone is healthy and happy...take care y'all!

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Figuring it all out...

So I deleted my last post cause...well, I can be irrational at times, and it was an irrational decision! Yesterday was a very emotional day for me and everything just piled up to an overwhelming amount of stress! I feel like the only way to describe it is like a pre midlife crisis...if there is such a thing. Here's what has been going on.

My youngest is now in school...so I'm home half the day by myself. I've spent the last 12 years of my life either trying to get pregnant. Friends are having babies and we have decided that we are done and have done the things you need to do to make it final (snip snip)...but with all the babies being born, its just a constant reminder of what is never to be again...so its a bit hard at times...but I still love all the babies. I wanted to go to school to get my LPN...things didn't work out as they have postponed the course until Jan 2009. So I applied to take the home support worker course instead...got accepted right away and don't have to do any upgrading or anything. Had second thoughts about that because we're thinking of maybe moving in the next year or so. Decided to maybe get a part time job instead. Got that...it was almost too easy to get that. Started to feel so overwhelmed by it all, the job, the babies, the not having babies, school, moving...everything. I feel like I'm suppose to be doing something...but have not clue as to what that is. I felt soooo lost...and have felt that way for a long time...but finally pinpointed it all last night.

So Jason and I had a talk last night. We decided that I should just axe the job...that we'd put off moving or even entertaining the idea for a few months ( until atleast spring) and that I should just go to school and get my home support worker certificate now...then if I want to further my education in a year or two or more, than I can. So that was our decision as of last night. I called up my "training mentor" and told her that things just weren't going to work out (I was also told that I'd be "on call" and that didn't sit too well with me...especially with having kids to worry about) as I had decided to go to school in Jan. and that being on call and not knowing when I would work would be too hard. She said that if I knew what I'd be working would I stay? I was kind of shocked...I was just thinking that she'd say Ok...and that would be it. But we talked for a bit and she said that she'd hate to see me go (I've only worked one day...and that was just training) and that if I wanted to pick what days I work...even if it was one or two a week...that I could and that they'd do whatever it took to keep me...and if not, that would be alright...but that I could come back if I changed my mind! Ok...I totally wasn't expecting any of that. So...now I'm thinking that I might just keep the job...work the days that I want to and got to school and still maybe work a day or two just for some extra money. I think I've figured it all out. I can have both. People want me...I've never ever really felt that in a work place before...I matter to them! Its a good feeling. So I have to call her tomorrow and tell her what I think and have decided. She even said that if I didn't want to work now and found that school wasn't working out...that I'd still have a job there if I wanted one. Who does that for someone they just met? I was blown away!! All I can say is that God is showing me that I can do this...that I can do more than I think I can...that I can work, go to school and be a good mom...and I can do them all at the same time!! I really feel at peace about this all...its a good feeling! I felt so utterly lost and confused and have felt that way for a while now. My life has changed so much in the past six weeks. I feel like I have been on such a rollercoaster of emotions.

So ya...I think I'm going to keep the job...if it doesn't work, it doesn't work...but I think it will, and I atleast have to give it a shot. They seem very willing to work with what I want and need...not many places will do that nowadays. And going to school will be good for me. I don't know if being a Home Support Worker will be a forever career for me...but its a start and a good step in the right direction. And its good enough for now. I know its not the most "glamourous" job...but I have a friend who does the same thing and she said that it may not be all sunshine and roses...but the people really appreciate you...and thats what keeps her going. Plus it pays pretty good too...which is always a bonus for just six months of school.

I feel like a HUGE weight has finally been lifted from my shoulders...like I can breath again...that I'm heading in the right direction. It feels good. I hope its a feeling that lasts. I know that the devil has found some major weaknesses in me and he's been playing me for a fool for too long now in regards to my friends, my future, my feelings of worth...I need to stay focused on what God has promised me...to never leave me or forsake me and to never give me more than I can handle. I've realized that I can handle more than I give myself credit for. Thankyou to those of you pray for me...mom, dad, Holly and Terry and anyone else! I hope I can stick with this...and if something does happen, that I can handle it and realize that in the end, it will still be ok.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

I recieved this in an email today from a friend...just wanted to share it...

For Strong Women & Women of Strength

A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in shape
...but a woman of strength builds relationships to keep her soul in shape.

A strong woman isn't afraid of anything
...but a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of her fear.

A strong woman won't let anyone get the best of her
...but a woman of strength gives the best of herself to everyone.

A strong woman makes mistakes and avoids the same in the future
...but a woman of strength realizes life's mistakes can also be unexpected blessings and capitalizes on them.

A strong woman wears a look of confidence on her face
...but a woman of strength wears grace.

A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey
...but a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong.

I can handle anything that life throws at me -I may not be able to handle it well, or correctly, or gracefully, or with finesse, or expediently but I will handle it.

Life may not be the party we hoped for,but while we are here we may as well dance.

Monday, October 1, 2007

What I'm Missing...

~ I miss the "smell" of rain...yes, it rains here ALOT...but it rains so much that you don't get that "smell"... I've
only smelt it once and that was last week and it just reminded me of how much I miss that smell and that I used to actually enjoy it when it rained.

~ I miss having dry pants when I go out... no, I don't wet my pants...but the bottoms of them are constantly wet from it raining and being wet outside almost all the time.

~ I miss not having to think all the time. I seem to be thinking all the time out here, contemplating about what my goals in life are and how I can figure out what I'm suppose to do with my life besides be a mother and a wife...which I am thankful for and I enjoy...but I'm ready for more and I'm not sure what that truly is yet!

~ I miss my family, all my nieces and nephews and siblings and parents...I've gotten used to being far from them all...but I still miss them dearly.

~ I miss the sun, I find myself so much more energetic when it decides to grace us with its presence.

~ I miss cold winters...call me crazy, but I do. I miss having my nostrils stick together when I breath in deeply during a cold snap and the sun that shines on the fields of snow making it all sparkly!

~ I miss seeing forever!

~ I miss feeling at peace in my life.

~ I miss having little little kids...but do enjoy the ages that my kids are now and I am so proud of who they are growing up to be!

~ I miss knowing who I am...these days I don't have a clue!

~ I miss being able to go for a walk anytime of the day...anywhere that I want and know for a fact that there won't be a bear around the corner!!

~ I miss the "crop talk" that my parents would discuss as we would travel on country roads...even though I never knew what crop was which...I miss the "country"...you know?

~ I miss old houses and neighborhoods...ones with character and charm and big trees along the streets.

~ I miss having certain opportunities and advantages of a bigger city or atleast living closer to one.

~ I miss amazing thunderstorms...the excitement, the fear...everything about them!

~ I miss getting together with my best friends every friday night...oh how I miss that Mel and Den!!

~ I miss being able to enjoy being outside in the summer without being eaten alive by black flies...call me crazy, but I'd rather be bitten by mosquitoes than black flies...atleast you can feel when most mosquitoes are biting you...black flies, you don't...they suck your blood and my bites itch for a month or more!

~ I miss shopping in a nice big mall...call me vain, but Walmart just ain't cutting it anymore!

~ I miss Booster Juice...even though I can make my own, but still!

I miss so much of my life before here. Don't get me wrong, there are many things that I do like about living here...but I'm growing tired and weary of this place. Both Jason and I are. We don't like to talk about this that much to anyone...but things are changing for us it seems. I'm not sure what our future holds...we have some ideas as to what we would like to see happen, but only God knows what the future holds for our lives. Sometimes it so hard to give it all to Him...but thats my reality and I just have to have faith that He knows what he's doing!! Jason's job is good...but its a go no where type of job...and there aren't many opportunities elsewhere in this area for what he does...so it would be nice to have options and choices for him, a place where he can grow and expand his knowledge. There's so much that goes on in this mind of mine these days. I'm trying so hard to be content...but its hard some days. Jason really loves the fishing out here...so if we ever do leave, I pray that we can find another place where he can keep up with this hobby of his.

I guess what I'm saying is that we are thinking about going somewhere else. I'm not sure when or where...it may take some time...but both of us are ready for a new adventure. This place has been good to us, and it continues to...but sometimes you just need to move on. Until then, we will enjoy our lives out here the best we can. I know the day that we do decide to leave, it will be hard...but I will be excited all the same.

Just know that I don't hate it here...I have made some dear friends and have seen some amazing things and done some really cool things...but it may just be time to move on. It makes me kind of sad to realize all this...but we always knew that we wouldn't be here forever. Time will tell what our future holds!
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