Figuring it all out...

So I deleted my last post cause...well, I can be irrational at times, and it was an irrational decision! Yesterday was a very emotional day for me and everything just piled up to an overwhelming amount of stress! I feel like the only way to describe it is like a pre midlife crisis...if there is such a thing. Here's what has been going on.

My youngest is now in school...so I'm home half the day by myself. I've spent the last 12 years of my life either trying to get pregnant. Friends are having babies and we have decided that we are done and have done the things you need to do to make it final (snip snip)...but with all the babies being born, its just a constant reminder of what is never to be again...so its a bit hard at times...but I still love all the babies. I wanted to go to school to get my LPN...things didn't work out as they have postponed the course until Jan 2009. So I applied to take the home support worker course instead...got accepted right away and don't have to do any upgrading or anything. Had second thoughts about that because we're thinking of maybe moving in the next year or so. Decided to maybe get a part time job instead. Got that...it was almost too easy to get that. Started to feel so overwhelmed by it all, the job, the babies, the not having babies, school, moving...everything. I feel like I'm suppose to be doing something...but have not clue as to what that is. I felt soooo lost...and have felt that way for a long time...but finally pinpointed it all last night.

So Jason and I had a talk last night. We decided that I should just axe the job...that we'd put off moving or even entertaining the idea for a few months ( until atleast spring) and that I should just go to school and get my home support worker certificate now...then if I want to further my education in a year or two or more, than I can. So that was our decision as of last night. I called up my "training mentor" and told her that things just weren't going to work out (I was also told that I'd be "on call" and that didn't sit too well with me...especially with having kids to worry about) as I had decided to go to school in Jan. and that being on call and not knowing when I would work would be too hard. She said that if I knew what I'd be working would I stay? I was kind of shocked...I was just thinking that she'd say Ok...and that would be it. But we talked for a bit and she said that she'd hate to see me go (I've only worked one day...and that was just training) and that if I wanted to pick what days I work...even if it was one or two a week...that I could and that they'd do whatever it took to keep me...and if not, that would be alright...but that I could come back if I changed my mind! Ok...I totally wasn't expecting any of that. So...now I'm thinking that I might just keep the job...work the days that I want to and got to school and still maybe work a day or two just for some extra money. I think I've figured it all out. I can have both. People want me...I've never ever really felt that in a work place before...I matter to them! Its a good feeling. So I have to call her tomorrow and tell her what I think and have decided. She even said that if I didn't want to work now and found that school wasn't working out...that I'd still have a job there if I wanted one. Who does that for someone they just met? I was blown away!! All I can say is that God is showing me that I can do this...that I can do more than I think I can...that I can work, go to school and be a good mom...and I can do them all at the same time!! I really feel at peace about this all...its a good feeling! I felt so utterly lost and confused and have felt that way for a while now. My life has changed so much in the past six weeks. I feel like I have been on such a rollercoaster of emotions.

So ya...I think I'm going to keep the job...if it doesn't work, it doesn't work...but I think it will, and I atleast have to give it a shot. They seem very willing to work with what I want and need...not many places will do that nowadays. And going to school will be good for me. I don't know if being a Home Support Worker will be a forever career for me...but its a start and a good step in the right direction. And its good enough for now. I know its not the most "glamourous" job...but I have a friend who does the same thing and she said that it may not be all sunshine and roses...but the people really appreciate you...and thats what keeps her going. Plus it pays pretty good too...which is always a bonus for just six months of school.

I feel like a HUGE weight has finally been lifted from my shoulders...like I can breath again...that I'm heading in the right direction. It feels good. I hope its a feeling that lasts. I know that the devil has found some major weaknesses in me and he's been playing me for a fool for too long now in regards to my friends, my future, my feelings of worth...I need to stay focused on what God has promised me...to never leave me or forsake me and to never give me more than I can handle. I've realized that I can handle more than I give myself credit for. Thankyou to those of you pray for me...mom, dad, Holly and Terry and anyone else! I hope I can stick with this...and if something does happen, that I can handle it and realize that in the end, it will still be ok.