Mixed Emotions

Well the time has come...and I'm a bit emotional about it. Tomorrow is V Day...yes, the old snipperoony for my poor hubby. I've had a few emotional moments today and last night. Its been almost five years since we had our last child. We have two beautiful children, they have completed my life in ways that I never imagined.

As some of you know, we had alot of problems concieving and staying pregnant. We suffered with my infertility problems for seven years. That is why our children are five years apart. I love the difference now...as its all I know, and I know that was the way that God had it planned for our lives. I've been at home with my children for almost ten years. I feel that there is a shift in our life now. Its "my" time...time for me to do what I want, what I need to do for me! Does that sound selfish or greedy? I hope not. Its been a long road...and I don't think that I could do it again (fertility treatments, etc.) I love my kids more than anything. They are both my miracles. But I think its time for a new chapter in our lives.

Sometimes its tough to move on...but I think its that time. Sure, I know there will be days that I will wonder...what if...but deep down, I know that we're done. I don't have a desire to really have anymore children...yet, if I was to discover that I was pregnant today...I'd be happy...and shocked, I'd just laugh. Its just saddening to think of all the trouble we had, the intense emotional rollercoaster that we went through...that its all done, that time is now coming to an end...that chapter of our life is finished. It really took a toll on me, and I think our marriage too. But we made it through. I'm finally feeling that I'm finding myself again...it took so much out of me, and its taken this long to get back to me! Not that I regret any of it...I don't, I know that I had to go through that...that was MY journey. That was God's plan for my life...and now this is a new journey.

I'm enjoying my kids so much these days...its so much easier these days...yet still tough. They too are going through new chapters in their own lives. My daughter is almost ten, things are "changing", if you know what I mean...haha. And my son will be starting school this fall. I will be alone for half a day, four days a week. What am I going to do? It'll be ten years since I didn't have a child in my home at some point in the day...and now it'll be a regular occurance almost everyday! Its kind of scary, yet exciting all the same. I'll have some "me" time. In some ways, I'm finding that I'm getting some of my "life" back...know what I mean?

See what I mean about having mixed emotions? I go back and forth about all of this...the pros, the cons. I know that my husband doesn't want anymore kids, and really, I don't either. I love kids...but we're done (do I sound like I'm trying to convince myself). Had we not of had the problems that we did, I think we would have had another one...but that wasn't the way it was suppose to be. I've only been on birth control for the first six months of our marriage...I've been married for thirteen years...ya, do the math! Sure its an emotional time. I think most people second guess themselves...maybe not. I'm not second guessing, I guess I'm just saying goodbye to a former goal...dream. But its time for new dreams, new goals...more adventures.

Well thats about it. I just needed to write this all out. Thanks for listening to me...I know that this is just the beginning of something else.