Up, down and all around!

So this past week has had its ups and downs. Downs...being sick. A week ago I came down with the stomach flu big time...still feel a bit icky here and there...but I also got a flu shot yesterday, so I'm sure that hasn't helped. Rowyn's been sick too...he missed this whole week from school. Just coughing alot and plugged up. On monday night his temp. read 101 in his armpit!!! Not good! It was 99 in his mouth...but I don't know how accurate that was as he couldn't keep his mouth shut from being so congested. But he's back to his goofy self...but crashes hard when its bed time.

I have been dealing with much confusion as of late. I feel so confused these days...I don't know if I should come or go or what I should be doing!!! I feel like I'm being pulled in a million directions yet I'm not going anywhere! Make sense? No...I don't think it does either...hence my confusion!! I've been humming and hawing over this school thing. I'm registered to take the home support/resident care aide course in Jan. (as I think I've mentioned in an earlier post) but I've had thoughts of not doing it. Its not exactly what I want to do. What I have wanted to do is the LPN course...which I was going to take but they cancelled it until some time in 2009!! So that kind of through me for a bit of a loop. Anyways, I thought I'd take the HSRA course...even though it wasn't what I really wanted to do. Lately though I've been having thoughts to just axe it all and do nothing. Finding a babysitter for Rowyn is not going as planned...and I feel bad as this is his last year not being in school full time...why do I feel like I need to do this now and not wait a year? I could wait a year...but I have this uncontrollable feeling that I NEED to do this now. I can't explain it! Its a very frustrating feeling to say the least. I just need to find a sitter where he is loved and well taken care of and...where he can get driven to school for the afternoon. So really...I need someone for 3-4 hours in the morning and thats it. I have a friend that says she would maybe do it...but doesn't know if she could drive him to school...then I found out that I may be able to put him with a daycare and have it subsidized...which would be awesome not having to pay for babysitting, but alot of those daycares have too many kids that they can't drive him to school. AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I cannot win. So I am praying really hard that something will turn out. My neighbor has a daycare and even though she's not my favorite person...she does well with the kids and Rowyn knows alot of them from talking over the fence from the deck in the summers. He also told me that a girl in his class goes there and that her mom drops her off at school....soooooo, I'm going to check that out, maybe if my neighbor has room for him, this girl's mom could bring him too...or we could take turns or something!!! I'm praying for a bit of a miracle here, or atleast thats how I see it. This will be the kicker for school. I could come back here on my lunch and pick him up from a sitter and drive him myself...but thats alot of driving as the college is way on the other side of town. I guess time will tell. This is all I have left to finalize before school...but its the most important thing for me. I want him to be comfortable and happy no matter where he goes. I'm afraid as it is to go to school...I just want it to be easy and not too frustrating.

So about school (this is a stinkin long post). I had almost come to the point where I wasn't going to go. But after talking with my mom...and Jason, I have decided that I will. I still want to be a practical nurse and then want to specialize someday (operating room tech would be ideal!!) but for now I need to see this as a stepping stone. This course I will be able to take with me wherever I go...and thats important to me. I need to not rush this process...but more than anything...I need to trust God that he knows what he's doing with all of this! Somedays though...my faith is next to nothing...I know that I need to change that. He'll get me through this...this will all work itself out. Its just so hard somedays because I mostly sit at home thinking about all that could go wrong, and all that isn't going according to MY will...which is so not the way to think is it? No!!!

God is working on me so hard out here. I have no family here...I have to do everything for myself, and its been hard, but its been a learning process. Its caused me to rely more on Him than anything. Like my cell leader said tonight...if we don't have God in our lives to rely on...we don't have anything...and if our friends don't have God in their lives...there is NO way that we can rely on them...or something like that. I too often put my faith and hope in others...and you know what? I am always let down. Not that people let me down on purpose...but thats just human nature. At some point in time we will all let someone down. But God...he is always there...ALWAYS!!! I am so thankful for that.

Well this post got alot longer than I had planned. I just ask for your prayers...that I can find a good reliable, loving sitter for Rowyn, that I can find transportation for Rowyn to school...that I will have faith in this whole entire process. I have a couple of more immunizations to get and a criminal record check...then I am ready for school. Its only a month and one week away! I'm scared, nervous, yet excited to finally be doing something for me...and my family. I think I'm going to be alot happier having something to focus on rather than all the negatives that fill my mind most days.

I hope you're all doing well and keeping warm.