Well it getting close to Christmas. Once again I have mixed feelings. I'm excited to see my kids faces when they open their gifts...but I'm bummed because I will not be spending it with any of my extended family:( I won't go on about how much I hate that...cause really, I'm sure you can all understand my feelings and frustration!

Work is blah, blah, blah! I'm on call so I don't get scheduled shifts for the most part. I get called when someone calls in sick, or takes a day off, or whatever. I haven't worked in over two weeks! Frustrating? Yes, very much so! I guess I can be thankful though. J's been working ALOT of over time over the past two weeks, so that more than makes up for the $ in regards to what I'm not making. I've applied for a temporary part time position. So far I'm the only one who applied...if I don't get it...I think I may just lose my mind! There was a permanent full-time position available...but I didn't want it. Alot of people just don't understand why I don't want to work full time. It drives me nutts! I have a life! I don't need to work full time...nor do I want to! I'm not in it to make big bucks...I'm in it to occupy my time and for a bit of extra $ to pay some debt down. If I worked full time I'd work 2 on, 2 off, 2 on, 3 off, etc. With 12 hr shifts...I'd be going nutts. Now I know that other people do it, and thats fine. If I ever become a nurse, I know I'll have to do it too. But right now, I don't want to. I have NO family out here...so my kids would spend alot of time alone, and its just not worth it! Sure I have friends who could help me out...but really...I don't want that either. I'm happy with part time...I'm just not happy with nothing at all!!! Oh well...like I said, J's been working alot of OT, so I'm kind of glad that I'm not working because the kids wouldn't see either one of us if I was on days...and thats not good! If I don't get the PT position, then after Christmas break is over, I'm looking elsewhere. I mean this isn't a huge community...there aren't many options left for me in regards to doing something that somewhat relates to what I went to school for. Home Support is still an option. I did apply there, but they haven't hired anyone since June (my friend works there, thats how I know). So I dunno. I may apply again at the home that I quit at in Sept...but deep down I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'm finally feeling better, so I try to just keep that out of my mind for now. I seriously think that I had a nervous breakdown after those two jobs didn't work out for me. I mean they did work out...but I didn't work out at that point in time. I still think about it all...woulda, coulda, shoulda...but for the most part I feel much better. I'm not sure why it all happened the way that it did, and why I couldn't handle it...but obviously there was something deeper going on...something that I'm still not sure about, and may never figure out. I just know that I don't want to got "back there" ever again...it was one of the loneliest and horrible experiences of my life! I know most people don't "get it" and some may think that it was all drama and me just not wanting to work...well those people can just shove it! What I went through was real, and I hope that no one ever has to go through it as well. I know that it all started with a bad experience and then led to a full on pannick attack, followed by more and some very irrational uncontrollable thinking...at one point I was ready to go to the ER for some sort of sedative or something...but I didn't. After alot of sleeping and praying...I finally feel like I've come out of it. I just feel that I really need to move on...not just from that...but from here in general. I have gone through some of the most horrible things out here (things that many of you don't know about, and never will)...things that I will not mention...and ever corner that I turn seems to bring me back to something that I'd rather forget. I know...WHATEVER Tanya! For me though, its real, its my reality...and I'm the only one that can change it. I am better...but I just want a fresh start, a clean slate, a new beginning! I know I may sound like a drama queen...but its all true!

I think my whole family is ready for a new beginning. I don't know where we'll end up...as in my last post I said we'd like to go back to Saskatoon. That is a definite plan...but we've also discussed Victoria again as well. I know there are no guarantees that either will turn out...but both have the "things" we're looking for in one shape or another, and both have negatives as well. I'm just trying to not think about it too much until the Christmas season is over with.

I finally got my tree up yesterday...its so purdy. I feel a bit less "homesick" now that its up. I just hate taking it all down, not because I want to keep it up...but what fun is it to take it down? Its more like work to do that!

Well once again...not the happiest post...but this is where I'm at in this moment. I hope you're all doing well and are getting excited for Christmas and what it all has to bring. Just remember...JESUS IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON!