Today....

Well, today I had hoped I was going to go and get me the job I felt was mine...maybe "mine" isn't the right word. I guess the job that I feel I should be doing. I've gone to school for a few things and have never followed through in those career paths. Here I am finally really wanting to do what I went to school for last year and its just not happening.

As some of you know, I had two jobs in September, quit both out of panic and things that were said and by being totally overwhelmed with it all. I went back about a month later to apologize and to ask for the one job back. I was told no...but that they (being one person actually) would like to see some sort of "commitment" from me, either through volunteering or through another job. So I got myself another job. One that I have been working at here and there, one that I don't have a heart for and one that I dislike very much!!! I've only kept on with it to prove that I can be commited!! So a couple of weeks ago I called this "person", telling them that I was still interested in the opportunity to work at this place...I had to leave a message, but she did call back. She said that I had to reapply and that I would be considered for the next round of hiring. So today I dropped off my application. She brought me into her office, sat down and said...
"I won't deny anyone the right to put in and application...but to tell you the truth, your chances of being hired here are slim to none. First impressions are everything and your's wasn't that great. You called in sick for your orientation here when actually you were doing your orientation at the hospital"...
I said that I quit there before I started at the hospital...which was true!!! She said...
"Well I'm not going to argue with you!" So I explained that I made my decisions out of haste, that I went about it the wrong way, but that I was overwhelmed with it all and felt like my only option was to quit, rather than maybe telling them that I was overwhelmed by everything and needed a few days to think. She said...
"I hope you're honest with your next employer". I just felt my heart sinking and my face getting hot. I really wanted to argue my point...but I just couldn't. I didn't want to start bawling while I was there...I didn't want her to know that she got to me!

For her to talk about "honesty" was a joke. Here she tells me that she wants to see some sort of commitment from me, so thats what I do. She later says that I should reapply and WILL BE considered for the next round of hiring...so thats what I do. Then turns around and slaps me in the face to tell me that I won't be hired on there because of my "first impression"!!!! This person doesn't have many fans...and honestly I was giving her the benefit of the doubt...but today I saw it...and frankly, what people have said is true. I mean, its not like I did anything wrong to anybody there!!! I didn't hurt anyone, I didn't say anything, no lives were in danger...it had nothing to do with anyone...just me! The one career path that I want to persue...doesn't seem to be going the way I had planned! I am at my witts end! I don't get it. I don't want to hear that God has something "better" for me...cause right now, I don't really believe it! This is the only seniors facility in our town...there's the hospital...which I won't go back to because that just didn't work for me. Home support is another option...but I don't think anyone has been hired there since last June!!! This town is just too small...no second chances seem to be given to anyone. I could go on...but I won't.

So right now I feel defeated and deflated. I don't know what else to do. I'm frustrated and sad.

Another thing...this person lives down the street from me, her kids go to the daycare next door to me and her son and my son are in the same grade in the same school...thankfully not in the same class.

I just ask you all to pray for me. I don't have much hope these days. J's job sucks the big one...I won't even get into the latest crap going on around there. He's applied for a couple of jobs on the island...may start looking places other than there yet. For us these days...especially his job...its not about the money...its about being "somewhat" happy in your job...being respected and valued. We are not happy out here and its really starting to take a toll on our family and our marriage...we need to get out of here. I know most people don't get it...but I'm not about to explain it either. I just want to get back to being me and not have constant reminders of how bad things have gotten at every turn I make!

My SIL has lost a friend. He was one of the canadian soldiers who died over the past week. I personally don't know anyone who is fighting out there. I can only imagine what their family's have to go through. I won't talk about my thoughts on this war. I hear about those who have fallen and for a moment think about them...then carry on with my life. It just touched me tonight to read her blog...it made me think for more than just a moment the sacrifice that they are making...whether we support or don't support the war...we need to support them and their families through these tough times, even if we don't know any of them personally...we can still life them up in prayer. I just thought that you should check out my SIL's blog so you can read the beautiful post that she wrote about her friend.

Life as of lately...

Well...hmmm...whats been going on?

In January my husband applied for a job in Victoria. We went for a mini vacation to check the island out...I tell ya, one week is not enough. We all fell in love with the place...who wouldn't? Last week we found out that J didn't get the job...disappointed? Yes...of course! Ready to give up? Heck NO!!!

I have to say that over the past month, it was a wonderful feeling to have HOPE...to be happy with the thoughts of what could be. I did my best to not get those hopes up too much...and all in all, I think I was prepared for a "no" in regards to the job...but it still hurt and it still stung, I'd be lying if I said that it didn't.

I remembered while we were out there that I used to dream of living in a place like that. When I was a kid we went to Expo 86 in Vancouver. We took a little side trip to the island as well. I don't remember much about it except for Chemainus and walking on Long Beach in Tofino. What I do remember is how much I loved it and dreamed of living in that kind of setting once I was older. I used to write letters to my cousin planning our lives so we could live together in a house on the beach (yes, I little bit of a dreamer...but hey, I was young). While we were out there, I felt such a sense of peace. Not just because its beautiful, or because I was on vacation...no. I remembered my dream of living there. I had even wrote in my yearbook in Grade 12 about moving to BC once I was older. I did move here...but this wasn't the "BC" that I was talking about. I've flip flopped over the years as to where I'd like to be...but going out there...I felt an overwhelming peace. Standing on a beach in the cool wind, waves lapping at my feet, birds flying over head, watching my kids combing the beach and not wanting to leave...that was almost paradise to me. I remembered my "dream" while I was out there. I think as I grew older, got married, had kids...I just forgot about what I had hoped for my life. "Life" gets in the way. Now that I'm actually in BC...I realize how close I am to achieving what I had wanted for so long in my life, but just forgot about. Its not the beauty of the island that makes me want to be there...well I guess it helps...but where I live now is pretty beautiful too...just in a different way. I love being near the ocean...the feeling I get there is indescribable. I think if I lived near a beach...I'd be there everyday, just walking and taking it all in. I heard once that water means "life". I believe it...just like when we are baptized, the water signifies new life in Christ.

I've been talking with an amazing woman lately and she has made me see a few things more clearly. I stopped by her house last night to drop something off and ended up staying for about three hours...just pouring my heart out to her...she truly listened to what I had to say. She explained some things to me so clearly...she made me less afraid of some things that I had doubts on before. She also said something to me that no one else has ever said...she said, "Tanya, I do not believe that you are depressed...you are sad, no depressed, there is a difference". She nailed it! I've often felt like if I was truly depressed, why do I have happy days...with NO medication? If I was depressed, I wouldn't have had the feelings of hope and joy that I had over the past month while we waited to see if J had gotten the job or not. If I was truly depressed, I wouldn't have enjoyed my time on the island. I do have some really good days! I've always wondered myself if I was really depressed...I don't think that I am either...and not just because she says that I'm not. I believe her...she is an amazing woman of God and I truly believe that He gave her those words to tell me.

I've also realized that I don't know who I am...I've lost myself to some extent. I'm no longer a "full day" mother...I'm still a full time mother, but I don't have my kids all day as they are both in school all day. I'm not doing what I went to school for, but I am doing something that isn't "me"...and I hate it. I was an at home mom for ten years, now I'm at home, but my kids aren't. I don't know exactly who TANYA is! She asked me what I enjoy doing...just for me...I honestly had to think for a while. I used to love drawing, and I really enjoyed it. I didn't do it for others, but I did it for myself. Over the past couple of years I have started to get back into it...but not in the way that I had hoped. I usually sit there with a blank page and have absolutely no idea what to do, so I give up. This friend, she said that she felt that I needed to start drawing again, doing art again...she believes that I'll start finding myself again if I do this. I think she's right. I just need to remember that I need to do it for ME, not for anyone else. Not that I won't share it, or make something for someone, but it has to be for me first and then for someone else...you know what I mean?

So, although J didn't get the job...we're still hopeful that something will happen out there...its just going to take time. There will be days that I forget all of this and will be irrational (I'm NEVER irrational...lol), but I know that God has a plan. He knows that we don't want to be here, and like my sister said, if we don't want to be here, He won't keep us here forever...and I believe that to be true. I feel the winds of change slowly starting to churn...it may take a while for them to blow us to the next place...but until then, I will wait, as patiently as I can.

WARNING!!!

Well I watched a bit of "The Dr's" today and heard something pretty frightening. I guess kids are starting to drink and inhale hand sanitizer!!! They say that one little bottle, you know the purse size...well they are equivalent to four shots of vodka!!! Kids are even licking the stuff off of their hands to get the buzz. I wasn't able to watch the rest of the show which was all about the new drugs and how they come in flavors, etc. to appeal more and more to younger kids. I guess drug use is down in teens...which is good, but now they've decided to make them more appealing to them in order for that statistic to go up! Sick and scary. I'm thankful...sooooo thankful that my girl has her head screwed on pretty straight. I told her about this and she couldn't believe it!!! She's only 11, but we've started to talk about these things...I try not to hide too much from her...she needs to hear these things. She is a mature girl who I think will stand her ground as she gets older...atleast that is my hope and my prayer!

Well thats it for now...I'll post more about whats been happening around here another time.