Life as of lately...

Well...hmmm...whats been going on?

In January my husband applied for a job in Victoria. We went for a mini vacation to check the island out...I tell ya, one week is not enough. We all fell in love with the place...who wouldn't? Last week we found out that J didn't get the job...disappointed? Yes...of course! Ready to give up? Heck NO!!!

I have to say that over the past month, it was a wonderful feeling to have HOPE...to be happy with the thoughts of what could be. I did my best to not get those hopes up too much...and all in all, I think I was prepared for a "no" in regards to the job...but it still hurt and it still stung, I'd be lying if I said that it didn't.

I remembered while we were out there that I used to dream of living in a place like that. When I was a kid we went to Expo 86 in Vancouver. We took a little side trip to the island as well. I don't remember much about it except for Chemainus and walking on Long Beach in Tofino. What I do remember is how much I loved it and dreamed of living in that kind of setting once I was older. I used to write letters to my cousin planning our lives so we could live together in a house on the beach (yes, I little bit of a dreamer...but hey, I was young). While we were out there, I felt such a sense of peace. Not just because its beautiful, or because I was on vacation...no. I remembered my dream of living there. I had even wrote in my yearbook in Grade 12 about moving to BC once I was older. I did move here...but this wasn't the "BC" that I was talking about. I've flip flopped over the years as to where I'd like to be...but going out there...I felt an overwhelming peace. Standing on a beach in the cool wind, waves lapping at my feet, birds flying over head, watching my kids combing the beach and not wanting to leave...that was almost paradise to me. I remembered my "dream" while I was out there. I think as I grew older, got married, had kids...I just forgot about what I had hoped for my life. "Life" gets in the way. Now that I'm actually in BC...I realize how close I am to achieving what I had wanted for so long in my life, but just forgot about. Its not the beauty of the island that makes me want to be there...well I guess it helps...but where I live now is pretty beautiful too...just in a different way. I love being near the ocean...the feeling I get there is indescribable. I think if I lived near a beach...I'd be there everyday, just walking and taking it all in. I heard once that water means "life". I believe it...just like when we are baptized, the water signifies new life in Christ.

I've been talking with an amazing woman lately and she has made me see a few things more clearly. I stopped by her house last night to drop something off and ended up staying for about three hours...just pouring my heart out to her...she truly listened to what I had to say. She explained some things to me so clearly...she made me less afraid of some things that I had doubts on before. She also said something to me that no one else has ever said...she said, "Tanya, I do not believe that you are depressed...you are sad, no depressed, there is a difference". She nailed it! I've often felt like if I was truly depressed, why do I have happy days...with NO medication? If I was depressed, I wouldn't have had the feelings of hope and joy that I had over the past month while we waited to see if J had gotten the job or not. If I was truly depressed, I wouldn't have enjoyed my time on the island. I do have some really good days! I've always wondered myself if I was really depressed...I don't think that I am either...and not just because she says that I'm not. I believe her...she is an amazing woman of God and I truly believe that He gave her those words to tell me.

I've also realized that I don't know who I am...I've lost myself to some extent. I'm no longer a "full day" mother...I'm still a full time mother, but I don't have my kids all day as they are both in school all day. I'm not doing what I went to school for, but I am doing something that isn't "me"...and I hate it. I was an at home mom for ten years, now I'm at home, but my kids aren't. I don't know exactly who TANYA is! She asked me what I enjoy doing...just for me...I honestly had to think for a while. I used to love drawing, and I really enjoyed it. I didn't do it for others, but I did it for myself. Over the past couple of years I have started to get back into it...but not in the way that I had hoped. I usually sit there with a blank page and have absolutely no idea what to do, so I give up. This friend, she said that she felt that I needed to start drawing again, doing art again...she believes that I'll start finding myself again if I do this. I think she's right. I just need to remember that I need to do it for ME, not for anyone else. Not that I won't share it, or make something for someone, but it has to be for me first and then for someone else...you know what I mean?

So, although J didn't get the job...we're still hopeful that something will happen out there...its just going to take time. There will be days that I forget all of this and will be irrational (I'm NEVER irrational...lol), but I know that God has a plan. He knows that we don't want to be here, and like my sister said, if we don't want to be here, He won't keep us here forever...and I believe that to be true. I feel the winds of change slowly starting to churn...it may take a while for them to blow us to the next place...but until then, I will wait, as patiently as I can.